Hide your crippling social anxiety under fun costumes

As you all must have heard by now, unless you haven’t left your dorm since return­ing from October Break (and if this is you, I genuinely hope things get better soon, bud!), Halloweekend is fast approaching! If you’re anything like me though, you didn’t actually figure out your costume over break and are not prepared.

Maybe you didn’t have any costume ideas and much like the pile of homework you had over break, procrastinated into oblivion. Or perhaps you simply didn’t realize that as a col­lege student you are expected to have two cos­tumes that will both end up as moth bedding at the back of your closet anyway. Regardless, never fear! I have some fun suggestions for Vassar-themed Halloween costumes!

If you are a smoker on campus, this one’s for you! My first Vassar-themed Halloween cos­tume suggestion is a giant cigarette. At the be­ginning of this year, Vassar decided to thwart the image of the teenage angsty, the super art­sy soft grunge kids by becoming a smoke-free campus. At first, on-campus smokers contin­ued tentatively, but now it is two months into the year and at any time of the day you can see people smoking on the quad with impunity. So, if you’re that kid, why not take your rebellion a step further and rent a giant cigarette cos­tume? Nothing says “you are what you inhale” more!

My next suggestion is great for anyone on a low budget! Simply grab an old bed sheet, cut out some holes for eyes, use a sharpie to write a big “4.0” on the front and go as the Ghost of a Good GPA. To complete the look, instead of shouting “Boo!” perhaps go with, “You’ll never get into grad school!” or, “What are you doing with an English major, anyway!” It’s not easy to admit, but at some point we have all flunked a test or didn’t do so hot on a project. So wheth­er or not this costume ends up being a little spooky or inducing existential crises, it will be really relatable!

Group costumes are always a riot, so why not get a group together and go as my next suggestion: celebrities that attended Vassar but never actually graduated! What makes this costume option so great (and not at all worri­some) is that there are a lot of options. We’re talking enough to warrant a “Attended, but did not graduate” subsection on the List of Vassar College people Wikipedia page. Honestly you could pick any celebrity and they probably at­tended Vassar but did not graduate. But no salt here! Get the squad together and go as: Anne Hathaway, Jackie O, Anthony Bourdain, Jane Fonda, Mike D, Mark Ronson or many others!

Everyone has to try a DIY costume once in their life and if want to send your friends a specific message, then a post from Yik Yak is the costume for you. All you’ll need is a white t-shirt, some fabric paint and a great deal of passive aggression! This costume is also a functional as it is fun. You can go to a party and get down whilst simultaneously telling your floor mates to please continue to be as loud as they want. It’s not like it’s three o’clock in the morning and I have a test tomorrow, Helen.

Another costume that will really terrify any Vassar student and also works as a conceptual couple costume would be to go as heteronor­mativity. For the guy in the relationship: go for the clean shaven look, put on your most “man’s man” outfit, and act as if you are compensat­ing for something, because you probably are. And for the lady: make sure you wear a skirt of some kind, domestic high heels, jewelry, make up, and complete the look with an apron. Then, meet up and do your best impression of the boy and girl holding hands emoji.

Finally, the last suggestion I have is of the sexy costume variety. Who else can sexily represent Vassar but our Founder, Matthew Vassar. All you will need to complete this sexy look is a form-fitting and low cut three-piece suit (preferably with black shorts instead of pants), silk gloves, a gray wig with a wind-swept, boyish hairstyle, a stern yet smoldering expression and hunch over to look as short and stumpy as possible. Remember: confidence is key with sexy costumes, so simply act as if you are as sexy as Matthew Vassar is short.

Hopefully these costumes have given you an idea for a your own method of covering up your identity. If not you could always go as a cat for the fifth consecutive year. Whatever you end up going as though, have fun, be safe and dear lord in Heaven please don’t go as sexy Donald Trump.

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