Trump card: 10 new policies Bernie Sanders should start

So far in the 2016 U.S. Presidential Race, Senator Bernie “Feel the Burn” Sanders has been climbing the polls. People left and right (read: left and left) have been frantically leaping on the Bernie bandwagon. If Sanders wants to make a run, he’s going to need to be even more ridiculous than Trump’s toupee (patent pending).

  1. Announce Joe Biden as his running mate.

A good president needs a good VP, but a great president requires good ol’ Biden. He’s like that crazy uncle in the family who everyone loves and wants as a friend/wingman. Win or lose, he’ll be the life of the after party.

  1. Make politicians put a dollar in the swear jar every time they say the words “Benghazi” or “Re­peal Obamacare” and donate the funds to charity.

At this rate, -ghazi will join -gate on the list of insufferable suffixes. Also, in the past few years the House Republicans made 55 consecutive at­tempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act, all of which died on the Senate floor. Since the GOP seems content in wasting time, this might actu­ally get Congress to do a bit of good for a change.

  1. Have corporations literally stand in trial as a person.

Since big businesses keep insisting that they’re living, breathing people, it’s only fair that they suffer the same inconveniences that ordinary people face as well. That includes rescheduling plans to perform jury duty, and paying taxes.

  1. Direct cops away from kids smoking mar­ijuana and towards assholes who talk on their phone during movies

If we’re talking about which group of youths to unjustifiably place in maximum-security prisons, then at least arrest the people whom everyone universally hates. We won’t have to deal with ob­noxious people at the theater and cops can pass the time watching movies instead of feeling so bored that they’re driven to arresting stoners just to pass the time.

  1. Promise to make Mondays illegal

Banishing a day of the week would be such a memorable statement.

  1. Resurrect Mitt Romney from the political graveyard and have him endorse Trump.

Negative associations are powerful tools when it comes to attacking your political opponents, especially when their effects are subconscious. Why else would former front runner Jeb Bush choose to forsake his entire family name and go by just Jeb? The same can be done with Trump using last election’s flop, Mitt Romney. The two are practically identical: both alienated an en­tire demographic of voters. The only difference is that Trump would gladly do it again. Romney could be the perfect weapon against the toupee overlord. Just one endorsement by Romney and voters would automatically think to themselves, “Wait a minute, Trump is just a Romney 2.0.”

  1. Redirect military spending towards the pro­duction of personal hoverboards

It’s 2015 and hoverboards still aren’t a thing. This is an egregious offense. Thankfully, Bernie Sanders is just the young and strapping man we can trust to fix this crisis.

  1. Have China copyright the Great Wall so that Trump wouldn’t be able to build it in America

Trump’s campaign cornerstone is his hatred of undocumented immigrants and promise to build a wall along the U.S. and Mexico border, like he’s part of the Night’s Watch. Sanders can destroy Trump simply by having China copyright their Great Wall. After all, the Chinese built theirs over 2,000 years ago and Trump can’t argue with the power of copyright since he copyrighted his own “Make America Great Again” slogan.

  1. Crush illegal offshore tax havens with his bare hands and make it rain money from the sky

He would do it, no question. He’s Bernie Sand­ers. He eats corporate greed for breakfast.

  1. Make JOHN CENA the Speaker of the House

With Speaker John Boehner preparing for his farewell, the House Republicans are looking for a new leader. Thankfully, one brave man can re­unite the House of Representatives and forever bring peace to America by hitting people over the head with chairs. Under the guidance of Sanders, this man will make America great again AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA. Out of nowhere!

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