College rodent writes home to his family

The other day, my roommate and I heard a lot of scratching and scrabbling noises. We didn’t think that it was anything out of the ordinary, as we’ve suffered through a mouse problem for the past month or so. We pulled all of our storage bins out from under our beds. Unsurprisingly, we did not find him. He’s a little shit and likes to tease us.
We’re going crazy and not dealing with it well at all, thanks for asking. I keep thinking that we hear him, and then we scream and hit things with our dust mop. My roommate tries to talk some sense into him, but he remains largely unresponsive. He squeaked at us one time, so my roommate googled mouse behavior patterns to figure out what he was trying to say to us. The internet was helpful as always, informing us that he could be in trouble, or content, or playful, or fighting. We never do manage to find him.
I did find one of my pencils (very chewed) and the following letter, which I decided was poignant enough for Misc publication.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Life as a college rodent is going pretty well for me. I’m definitely enjoying branching out and being more independent. The first month or so was hard, and I ended up hiding out away from everyone a lot. After a while though, I started meeting the other mice on the hall and I made a friend! We went foraging together, but we got caught and got into a little bit of trouble after eating some funny powder that turned out to be preworkout. Nothing to worry about, though! I don’t hang out with him anymore, he turned out to be too reckless and a bit of a jerk. Now I mostly forage by myself, but I enjoy that more. Vassar is pretty easy-going and no one judges you if you forage by yourself.
I’m enjoying the food more than I thought I would! There is so much of it everywhere. My favorite things are ramen noodles and cereal, but I like cereal better because chewing through ramen packages hurts my teeth a bit and I know you don’t want me to get them out of alignment after you spent all that money on braces. I had some crackers the other day and I tried to eat some craisins, but I got caught and yelled at before I could figure the packaging out.
Even though I’m working hard like I know you want me to, I’m still making time for friends and parties. Some of the other mice get really crazy! I heard that a couple of them had a full thimble of beer a few nights ago and pulled the fire alarm in main. Luckily, I never feel pressured to drink to have fun. Instead we play hide-and-seek all over the dorms. Last night we even had a food fight! I threw lots of cereal around the room and we had a great time. I come back to look for it later when I was hungry, but someone had cleaned up.
I’m keeping active and exercising. Every day I run laps around the rooms for at least an hour or two. I think that I might join the track team next semester if I keep it up. I’m definitely getting faster. I love running, it really clears my head when I’m having a stressful day. I’ve become especially effective at avoiding pitiful humans and their clumsy mop swings.
How are you? Are they still making a lot of noise at home? They should have told us before they started construction on that new building. I know that you were thinking of moving anyway, now that all of us kids have moved out and you don’t need that big of a house anymore. But still, it’s really disruptive. They should have been more considerate. Do you think you’ll move soon? I kind of miss my old burrow.
Even though food is everywhere, people are cleaning more and starting to hide it, so if you could send me some food in the mail, that would be good. Maybe some of the sandwich crumbs from the construction workers? I think I miss those the most. I’d love to make plans to drive across campus to see you some time. I hope you and the pet roaches are well.
Love,
Ralph

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