- Retreat Napkins
I don’t have dining bucks left, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hang around the Retreat and watch people eat. While sitting alone diligently staring at people, I like to snack on a nice Retreat napkin. I take bites of my napkin as the person I’m watching takes a bite of their food and I pretend that my napkin is that burger/omelette.
- Retreat Silverware
This needs to be separated from the Retreat napkins because I don’t think anyone understands the physical and emotional toll it takes on a person to swallow these. I always forget how painful it is and just grab some forks when I’m feeling like I want something a bit more crunchy. Plus, it’s compostable.
- The Misc
I should have mentioned this earlier, but my new diet is high fiber. The difficulty in eating the Misc is its length, and I can’t save it for later because people will see that it’s the Misc and automatically throw it away.
- My Homework
Although the old “my dog ate my homework” excuse worked flawlessly in high school, amateur hour is OVER. This only gets complicated if you have to email in your papers or submit them on Moodle. For now, I’m just eating all of my assignments after I complete them, which may seem like a waste of time but I have gotten exponentially better at public speaking. I can regurgitate my paper word-for-word in front of the whole class.
- My Tears
Tears are more of a seasoning than anything else. Their saltiness reminds one of Retreat french fries and it also makes the paper easier to swallow. Once I become part-robot, however, I will not be able to rely on my emotions to give me these tears. Goodbye to tears and hello to the lack of emotions I’ve wanted since I learned what Lifetime movies were.
- Animals Around Campus
Don’t get the wrong impression, I’m not eating womp womps. I’m just eating the food they’re storing away for the winter! I’ve found almost all the womp womp holes and squirrel stashes and I’m stocking up on nuts and whatever it is that womp womps eat (it seems like the stuff that is in the Noyes trash cans?). I’m also trying to get mother birds to recognize me as one of their own offspring. If I can get a mama bird to bring me some worms whenever I call, I would finally be the Ultimate Vassar Survivor.