Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a lengthy Econ chapter that was quite devoid of charm—
In my lib chair swiftly slipping, dreaming of a class for skipping,
Suddenly there came a blaring of the library’s alarm
“’Tis some sleepy fool,” I muttered, “who has set off the alarm,
They deserve to come to harm.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December
And my cocoa bought hot from the Bean had long ago grown cold
The all-night section grumbled as we sleepily all stumbled
To escape the awful shrieking—our bones ached like we were old
Like a gang of zombie convicts who would never be paroled
For to Vass our souls were sold.
Gone my soul was to Ask Banner and my academic planner
And to Moodle I had sworn my heart to keep forevermore
Rapidly my heart was beating—I was nervous for my meeting
With my nutty old professor, whom I actually adore
To convince him to forget about my latest sad quiz score
A pathetic 64.
Presently we found the student, who, with actions so imprudent,
Had triggered the infernal bell that shocked me from my trance
But of course it was a fresher who, beneath the Vassar pressure,
Had forgot to swipe his card as out the door he swiftly danced,
His finished essay clutched in hand, straight through the door he danced,
Without a single backward glance.
All at once, I felt like eating, so with notions of Retreating,
Blearily I packed my books and stumbled hungrily towards Main
But of course I had forgotten that my scheme was misbegotten
No home fries till the morning—how completely inhumane!
No Twisted Soul, no Crafted Kup, not even cheap chow mein
Hopes of snacks were all in vain.
Back toward the lib now turning, empty stomach loudly churning,
Soon again I heard a ringing and I couldn’t help but groan
“Surely,” I could not cease pledging, “’tis the bell once more alleging
That a hapless 2019 grad has left the midnight zone—”
Then I reached into my pocket and plucked out my buzzing phone
Caroling a call from home.
Rapidly I sought to rushing my dear mother, who was gushing
All about her current getaway to Californian shores
As I pictured her reclining on the beach I started pining
For a climate more amenable to venturing outdoors
Saying my goodbyes, I shuffled, shivering, toward the library doors
And bumped into sophomores.
I paled at the realization: ‘twas a night for recreation!
The group of sophs that stumbled past was quite thoroughly trashed
Angrily I decried Friday, which I’d designated my day
To catch up on work so on the morrow I could, unabashed
Switch out coffee cup for shot glass till my friends and I were smashed
In despair, my teeth I gnashed.
Now my sorry ass, not quitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On this creaky wicker chair inside this room that I deplore;
And my eyes are ever-blearing as I’m at my textbook peering,
And the lamp-light, far from cheering, throws my shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted—nevermore!