Despite questionable methods, stalker blogger finds excellent fashion advice

As a successful and hip fashion blogger it is my solemn duty to keep updated on all the goings on in the fashion world. I do this not only by stalking my favorite fashion websites (the Amazon clothing section and eBay), but also by literally stalking my fashion icons! This method is criticized by many of my fash­ion blogging colleagues and pals, but I think the only way to really get to know someone is by watching them sleep and/or brush their teeth from a treehouse across the street. Here is my definitive list of fashion icons and a lit­tle bit about how I’m not allowed to be within 500 feet of any of them.

Miss Piggy

Ever since I saw The Great Muppet Ca­per when I was three, I knew Miss Piggy had great fashion sense. Her choice to wear high heels for her synchronized swimming routine was risky, yet it paid off handsomely. After that point in my life, it became my goal to look like Miss Piggy. Through many failed at­tempts to wear a blonde wig and a pig nose to elementary school, I realized that I needed to capture the Piggy essence. The essence stems from being utterly confident even though you are merely a stylish felt puppet and know you have no purpose in the universe. This essence has proven harder to capture than I thought, especially because I’m not made of felt (though I wish every day to have soft felty skin). I’ve written her countless letters, ask­ing how she is able to pair pink and leopard print so well together, but she has yet to write me back. To grab her attention I started add­ing pictures of her sleeping and/or brushing her pig teeth, but the only people whose at­tention I’ve gotten are her lawyers who have sent me seven cease and desist letters.

Susan Sarandon

Sarandon really cemented her role as a fashion icon as “Janet” from Rocky Horror Picture Show. The cardigan sweater! The wide-brimmed sun hat that might have been used in Little House on the Prairie! How could she possibly follow up such a dynamite ensemble? Two words: Cowboy hat. That hat from Thelma and Louise threw cowboy culture back into the American mainstream. Ever since then, Sarandon has been hounded by paparazzi following her every move and also me trying to be her bodyguard from said paparazzi. Though she has run me over with her car 3.4 times, I still appreciate that she does it with such joie de vivre and attitude.

Leslie Mann

Leslie Mann should not only be known as “Judd Apatow’s Somewhat Successful Life Partner,” but also as “The Most Fashionable Woman in Hollywood in the History of Cin­ematography.” Whether she’s wearing an ill-fitting bright orange dress to the Golden Globes, or she’s just lounging about with her hubby in overalls with nothing underneath, Leslie Mann always brings the style. Unfortu­nately, ever since I was caught rifling through her trash, I have not been allowed back on Ms. Mann’s property. This is unfortunate because she throws out Bed, Bath, & Beyond coupons all the time! You dummy! They never expire! I was getting 20 percent off all over the place.

Maude Apatow

The daughter of Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann has taken her mother’s successful style and put a younger, more hip, twist to it. In­stead of an ill-fitting orange dress, Maude likes to go with the ill-fitting purple jumper. Instead of overalls with nothing underneath Maude chooses to put clothing over her over­alls instead of under. Though I have been or­dered to not get within 500 feet of Maude Ap­atow, for reasons I’m not allowed to discuss (though I will say she looked like she needed a hug that day), I am still able to follow most of her movements through her Pinterest and her tumblr (the world according to me maude apatow dot tumblr dot com).

Elizabeth Warren

Though many revere her for her economic smarts, I admire Ms. Warren (or as I affec­tionately refer to her in my vlog: Lizzy) for her choice in outfits. I first noticed Lizzy for her stylish and practical bob when I was in the third grade. When I received my first pair of glasses the next month, I wrote a letter to Lizzy to ask which pair I should pick. She kindly wrote me back and recommended the wire frame, a timeless classic. Since, Lizzy and I have been pals and confidants. I would even go so far as to call her a mother figure to me, especially since she and my mother have the same penmanship and use the same nick­name for me (“My daughter”). For years now, I have been trying to make plans to meet up with her, but my biological mother says that I should wait, because stranger danger is a real threat to women Lizzy’s age.

Matt Damon

Let’s be honest, I just think Matt Damon is really hot, and I stalk him more for his hand­someness than his fashion sense (although it is nice to strut around in his suit and cologne and pretend I’m best friends with Ben Af­fleck). Matthew Paige Damon, born October 8th 1970, does not yet have a restraining order against me, but I assume it is only because he does not know about the guinea pig I have hidden under his bed with a listening device strapped to its back. If he were actually Jason Bourne, like I wish he were, he would have murdered that guinea pig by now and mailed it to me as a message. Unfortunately reality does not coincide exactly with the Bourne universe. Otherwise I’d be a super cool spy and be able to drop kick all my enemies.

Stalking celebrities is a tough gig, especial­ly when you love so many of them it’s hard to keep track. However, I am blessed to have a job that I absolutely love that incorporates my two passions: fashion and creating effigies for my shrines. How many people in today’s economy can say the same? Certainly not the celebrities I stalk.

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