Memes elucidate candidates’ convictions

Everybody loves a good meme. That fact is as scientifically proven as gravity or vac­cinations not spreading autism. Seeing clever, and often ridiculous, online content that come in different variations is always pretty funny and I, for one, will be the first in line to au­dit when Vassar starts offering a “History of Memes” class. So, when it became clear that the Presidential candidates for the Democrat­ic Party would be Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, I rubbed my small, Internet-trash fin­gers together and waited for the meme.

Option A is a short, Jewish, socialist old man that loves to scream and Option B is a serious, seasoned politician that is really into pant­suits and making sure to edit her convictions to maintain her role as your hippin’ happenin’ aunt. And let me tell you, I was not disappoint­ed with the meme that came to life, and not only because it gave me an article to write this week! Therefore, I present to you my interpre­tation of the Bernie vs. Hillary meme, giving you insight on how the candidates feel about Vassar-related issues.

Issue #1: The New Green Utensils at the Re­treat

Hillary: “Not a fan. I still just throw them out instead of recycling anyway. Plus, the color re­minds me of a third party, which reminds me of some people, who for the life of me I can­not understand why they are relevant. Yeah, I know how to shade…cast shade…? Whatever.”

Bernie: “I think I support them? They are green so I would assume they are more eco-friendly, but no one has ever told me that so I do not know. We don’t literally have to be green to be eco friendly, people. I am just going to keep using them to maybe save the planet and definitely save my street cred.”

Issue #2: The Lower Lounge Space

Hillary: “I would tell you what name choice I voted for is, but I have been advised against saying the word “Chill.” And also any other millennial lingo. And dancing.”

Bernie: “The space and its aesthetic are very minimalist. In that way, it is very similar to my campaign. Except for the horrendous orange carpets, they should have had those at the Super Bowl halftime show. Instead of those whiny guys from Coldplay.”

Issue #3: Student Secure

Hillary: “The connection on that thing is slower than the news outlets declaring my victory in the Iowa Caucus, am I right, ladies? Please laugh. I am this close to being the Jeb Bush of the Democratic Party.”

Bernie: “What is that? WiFi? How is it sup­posed to keep students secure if it is on a laptop? You know what students really need protecting from? FAFSA! They lampoon you with page after page of irrelevant paperwork. If I were a student nowadays, where they ask for your tax information I would just write, ‘Knowledge is free’”

Issue #4: House Team

Hillary: “The whole thing seems kind of un­necessary to me. Some are chosen as student fellows and some are elected by members of the house. Honestly I think there should only be one person in charge: a single, mighty House Emperor. Maybe we could start with me in that position. For every house.”

Bernie: “I like the idea, but I think we should expand it! Everyone living in a dorm together should be on the same team, so why not make every resident on a House Team! Heck, why not make it a House Commune instead. Every­one working together and sharing dorm rooms, I mean the bathrooms in Raymond already look like the amenities at Woodstock, so why not take the plunge!?”

Issue #5: VCards

Hillary: “Wait…that is the name that was given to your Student ID cards? Are you seri­ous? It is comforting to know that at least there is someone out there that can possibly make more egregious social faux pas than I have.”

Bernie: “I have not had to talk about my VCard since Eisenhower was President.”

Issue #6: Founder’s Day

Hillary: “I heard that the theme this year is Flounder’s Day, like ‘The Little Mermaid.’ That is so fun and cute! I have such fond memories of watching that movie with Chelsea when she was a little girl. I would fight that bitch Ursu­la in a heartbeat though. As much as I support women in power, especially minorities such as half-octopi women, you cannot just take over the entire sea kingdom without Hildog having something to say about it. I have way better un­derwater policy than Bernie.”

Bernie: “I am all about getting crunk! I usu­ally bring out all the tequila and cut it up into little pieces, and distribute them to everyone.”

Issue #7: Poughkeepsie

Hillary: “I’m just clownin’ around in Po­Town! BurgerFi is the best, and definitely not overpriced. Like my pant suits.”

Bernie: “It is one of the reasons why I moved to Vermont.”

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