Astrophysicists discover that Einstein was really smart

by Samana Shrestha
by Samana Shrestha
by Samana Shrestha

Recently, readers of the internationally ac­claimed Science Journal “I fucking love science” were shocked to see that yet another thing they hadn’t heard about had been dis­covered. Researches at LIGO, a secret sub-or­ganization of the LEGO company dedicated to physics, have detected the presence of gravita­tional waves that resulted from the merging of two distant black holes.

These scientists first observed the gravita­tional wave’s effects during an unrelated ex­periment about the pain of stepping on LEGOs. They noticed a random spike in the already tre­mendous pain signals in a test subject’s brain, and then later found that this spike perfectly matched the timing of the cataclysmic black hole merge. The researchers then simply im­plied causation from correlation, gave the dis­covery a cool name and sent it in to “I fucking love science.” The term “gravitational wave” joins other terms for physical phenomena that seem fictitious, such as “quantum tunneling,” “space-time” and “science news.”

The editors at “I fucking love science” were pleased to find that the article was both vague and devoid of scholarly references, both integral part of their posts. However, beneath the over­simplified headlines and misleading diagrams, the piece contained a nugget of revolutionary truth for readers. “It seems like Einstein some­how knew about all of this shit,” noted Carl Nothinksky, a regular commenter on I fucking love science’s posts.

Albert Einstein, a relatively unknown phys­icist from the early 20th century, had posited the existence of space as an entity that can be warped by mass. The recent identification of this gravitational ripple is consistent with his theory of relativity, a relatively solid theory that Einstein posited decades before “I fucking love science,” or other human achievements, such as LEGOs, were even invented.

Real scientists around the world were practi­cally orgasming about the news. Neil deGrasse Tyson, the Tom Cruise of Astrophysics (minus the Scientology), explained the true momen­tum of the discovery. “Of course the knowledge we gained about the way space can be shaken from the tremendous disturbance of black holes merging is important, but another thing that we gleaned from the experiments conducted at LIGO was the fact that Einstein was really fuck­ing smart. Like, apparently he knew a lot of stuff about how the universe works, and that’s what made him so intelligent. We just find how smart he is so exciting.”

Though it might be hard to initially accept the resultant paradigm shift that comes from the idea of Einstein being smart, there are many aspects behind the theory for the scientific com­munity to be aroused by. String theorist Brian Greene admitted that he understands that it might be hard to shake our previous notions of Einstein as a dunce, however, “If the thought of two black holes colliding doesn’t turn you on a little bit, you could stand think about cosmology a little more.”

Representatives at Baby Einstein were also relieved to hear that the name associated with their company belonged to someone so smart. “I’m really glad that our company is named af­ter a now universally accepted genius. I still re­member when we had to switch from our Baby Palin company name, and I had always hoped that it would never have to happen again,” said Barbara Walters, the head of advertising for the baby toy firm.

Ever since Mary Shelley exposed the down­fall of Dr. Frankenstein, the scientific commu­nity has been searching for another person to serve as an iconic image of intelligence. Now that society has confirmed Einstein’s brilliance, people will surely be using his name and like­ness to promote all things vaguely related to brainpower. “It really is a momentous step for science to have a genius who did not create a creature who destroyed his family and entire community. Einstein even fits the wizened grey-haired male archetype that was so successful in ‘Lord of the Rings and ‘Harry Potter,’ I wouldn’t be surprised if he got his own synthetic element on the periodic table soon,” said acclaimed sci­ence writer Carl Zimmer.

Baby Einstein is excited to begin turning achievement in astrophysics into capitalistic gains with their newest sets of baby mobiles that claim to boost infant intelligence. However, an unnamed employee admitted that Einstein himself could most likely disprove their entire company concept. “Now that we know he was smart, we can only infer that Einstein himself would have known that we have absolutely no idea how to make babies smarter. I mean they drool and put their fingers in sockets and stuff. It’s a noble cause, but Einstein would probably say that only time can help babies.” He went on to say that Baby Einstein to an educated custom­er looks to be as much of an oxymoron as “jum­bo shrimp,” and that even Einstein himself “was probably a total dumbass as a baby.”

Regardless of when his great intelligence manifested itself, the world has to accept that these latest scientific discoveries mean that Ein­stein was really smart, and might even become a household name in reference to intelligence. Obama himself stressed the importance of fur­ther research into exactly how smart Einstein was. He also noted that, though it shouldn’t be the primary goal of the research, “If this inves­tigation yields any knowledge about how the universe works, that could potentially be an in­teresting side topic.”

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