Millennials turn to internet for answers on how to interact with other humans

Dear Ask Banner,
Help! My ex-boyfriend from home is visit­ing Vassar, as he might apply here, and I just ran into him in the College Center! I saw him first and tried to walk by without him noticing (I assumed that my post-break up nose pierc­ing would be a fool-proof disguise), but alas he recognized me. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Retreating in the Retreat

Dear Vassar Missed ConnEXtions,
I suggest doing the courteous, albeit slightly awkward thing, and ask to join him for some lunch. Besides, the ultimate vengeance is mak­ing him buy the absurdly overpriced fruit from the Retreat. Chat, pretend that you care about his life, and cherish it because what are the chances he would be accepted anyway? Ban­ner would know that a lot of people on cam­pus have a type (mediocre white boys), so that demographic is already fairly well covered and hopefully Vassar isn’t looking to accept many more.

 

Dear Ask Banner,
My roommate just walked in on me whilst I was naked. How can our relationship rebound from this?

Yours,
Meat House

Dear Chicken Legs,
Honestly, there are probably more demor­alizing situations than that. Like, remember that time your roommate walked in on you jamming out to Nickleback? Nice air guitar, champ. Need I say more? I promise you, that thing was worse than this thing, but anyway, you two live together so I’m sure you figured it was bound to happen eventually. Granted, full frontal is quite an escalation from the casual side-boob you had been anticipating. Sure, you won’t be able to look her in the eyes for a few days, but I’m certain it’ll become a good anec­dote during finals week when you walk in on one another crying, surrounded by notebooks and Nilda’s wrappers. Stay body positive, Ban­ner knows you’ve been to the gym at least once this semester.

 

Dearest Banny,
I am a party animal. A normal weekend for me starts on Thursday evening and ends at the time on Sunday afternoon when I can final­ly stop taking Advil. So far I haven’t run into any major trouble with this lifestyle, but I do have one problem. There’s this one kid I keep running into every weekend. But absolute­ly nowhere else and I don’t even know their name! As one would, I assumed it was the ghost of Matthew Vassar until we drunkenly exchanged numbers. Anyway, I feel like the head nods, incoherent shouts and smiles we shared when the music was too loud to hear were super meaningful, but I don’t know any­thing about them. Should I try to get to know them better?

Yours truly,
Say My Name

Dear Destiny’s Child,
Ask Banner could lead you to the student directory and give you your TH bestie’s name, home phone, zodiac sign and blood type. However, you need your pin number to access that information and Banner knows you don’t remember your pin number. Have you ever considered why you only ever run into this person at parties? Maybe it’s because the ex­tent to which you share interests is the exact volume of a shot glass. While all the drunken Snaps you’ve shared with the person you’ve so tenderly assigned the contact name “beer emoji, question marks, party hat emoji” seem genuine, your relationship is probably best left shrouded in as much mystery as the recipe to punch at TH parties.

 

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