Sexual frustration reaches climax through social media

  1. The sexuality investigator

This post is definitely questionable for its po­tential to out someone to their entire Facebook friend list. What happened to the days of subtly turning conversations around to sexual prefer­ence, using well-placed queries like “Which emo­ji do you like better, the eggplant or the taco?”

Example: “LW ’17, do you like girls? Please say you like girls. Catch me at the quegger*, hot stuff.”

*Queer kegger. Yes, apparently it’s a real thing.

  1. Complainers

Maybe they’re just mad because their initials are super generic, but these people enjoy bashing the page as much as they enjoy refreshing it.

Example: “The days when this page posted ac­tual missed connections, not derivative trash. If I wanted to bombard my eyes with a circle-jerk of mediocre prose, I’d read ‘On the Road.’”

  1. The self-promoter

These are rife with details only the poster could know, and a tone of desperation that natu­rally accompanies public masturbation.

Example: “I always see you walking between Blodgett and Kenyon on your way to your noon ballet class. Let’s grab coffee sometime before your 3 o’clock shift for Misc design. We’ll go to the Retreat and you can mix vanilla coffee with medium-roast and a splash of whole milk, just how you like it. Your body is perfect—I couldn’t even tell you quit gymnastics when you were 7.”

  1. You tried to be nice but…

Unfortunately, you’re an asshole.

Example: “KQ ’19, you’re vastly underrated. I for one think you’re pulling off those high-waist­ed shorts really well considering your body type, and your brunette roots are hardly even notice­able. I’d ask you out for dinner, but you always look kind of frazzled, so I figure you’re too busy—probably with something really cool.”

  1. Unnecessarily sexual

After I was accepted to Vassar, my mom called admissions and talked to a nice lady who some­how spun off into explaining that Vassar students are sexually active to a remarkable degree. On the rare days that I forget the paralyzingly awk­ward car ride when my mom first brought this up, posts like these are there to remind me.

Example: “I would do devious things to you, BJ ’17. Watching you play tennis is better than porn…With every swing you take, your majestic delts ripple, and I imagine you smacking my ass with that racket. The sweat may be dripping down your sculpted body by the end of the match, but you’re still not as moist as I am. HMU if you want to smash me harder than that tennis ball.”

  1. Surprise reveal

We all remember the one about the womp-womp. These posts are tricksters; they start out as one trope (e.g., unnecessarily sexual) and then turn out to be about something silly. A breath of fresh air in a quagmire of self-pity and horniness.

Example: “You are the definition of an enigma. You’re beautiful on the outside, but inside, you’re decrepit. Just when I think I understand your twists and turns, you throw a closed door in my face. When I think of all the times you’ve made me late for class, I want to give you up…but I love being inside you. Screw you, Blodgett.”

  1. The frustrated scholar

Since your major probably won’t get you a job anyway, why not cash in on that $64,000 tuition by smearing your intellect all over an anonymous platform, much like ketchup on the Retreat burg­er you won’t be able to afford in five years?

Example: “I’ve never met an Econ major sexier than BZ ’18. Your body reminds me of expansion­ary monetary policy, because you make my parts expand. I’d like to lower your interest rates and increase your output, if you know what I mean ;)”

  1. An actual missed connection

Finally, the rarest post of them all. Those of you who have been friends with Missed since its inception may recall the days when people actu­ally submitted missed connections. You are prob­ably the current generation of complainers.

Example: “I was at the stir-fry station when I glimpsed your expertly crafted zucchini om­elette. Your eggs and vegetables were sizzling in the pan, but they weren’t as hot as you. We made brief eye contact, but then my stir-fry started smoking and when I looked up, you were gone. My Crafted Kup punch card is two clicks away from a free drink, so hit me up.”

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