FRIGID SIN HOLE, N.Y.— As the festivities for the Jewett House Team event “Seven Deadly Sins” got underway on Friday night, party-goers may have noticed some weirdness during the night. And no, this is not in reference to the Mötley Crüe of assorted floor hosts. These strange happenings culminated last night at approximately 11:47 p.m., when campus security was called to remove an overly rowdy party guest, one Vassar College President Catharine Bond Hill.
Bond Hill, known as Cappy (for reasons that elude everyone on campus and yet is perpetuated as if “Cappy” is a real, normal nickname), was first noticed at the typically students-only event by the Jewett House Team elevator attendant. The student told The Miscellany News, “She got on the elevator with a bunch of freshman in such a violently casual way that I knew it was her immediately. It would be kind of like if Steve Buscemi walked into a kindergarten class and pretended to be one of the toddlers. He could put on a pretty convincing act but ultimately it’s just like, ‘Man, you’re Steve Buscemi.’” Pressed for more details, he continued, “So I asked her if she was Cappy and she gave me the stink eye, but it only further confirmed my suspicions. I’d know those glasses anywhere.”
Stepping out of the elevator, the first of Cappy’s misdeeds started on the ninth floor of Jewett: Pride. This floor was hosted by the 2019 Class Council and, with a focus on vanity, mirrors were used as decoration. Many witnesses stated that they saw Bond Hill first approach a mirror, stare into it and give herself a quick pep talk, saying something to the effect of, “If our administration can stay hidden among the peer institutions, I can blend in with these kids!”
In what was purported to be a show of Vassar Pride, Cappy proceeded to publicly chug multiple craft beers that she, despite her legality, had stowed away in the waistband of her pant suit. Unlike Vassar’s financial aid, however, Hill was not need-blind towards the students. She offered students something to drink, telling them that, “real Brewers don’t drink piss.” After feeling sufficiently accomplished in bonding with students, Cappy made her way to the next floor.
President Hill then arrived at the Envy Floor, but her stay was short-lived. Upon inserting herself into another situation that was clearly not meant for her age range, Cappy got into an altercation with a student. It started when a student allegedly yelled across the room that she is not as cool as Dean of Studies DB Brown. A witness stated, “Cappy removed her pearl earrings, asked someone to hold them for her and had to be held back from completely curb-stomping the guy, who, by the way, I’m 100 percent sure was DB Brown also pretending to be a student.” After yelling some fairly mild language at the offender, Cappy is reported to have shouted, “Don’t diss me on my home turf or you’ll get schooled, private-co-educational-liberal-arts style!” The Vassar College President then said she was “chill” and walked away.
Later, Cappy was seen on the Greed Floor where the Vastards were performing. This is where most students agree that Cappy committed her biggest misdeed; she requested that the Vastards perform “Gold Digger” by Kanye West. Vastards member Christa Haryanto told the Misc., “We refused. It was almost like she didn’t know about ‘The Life of Pablo’ at all.”
Cappy, still riding high on the adrenaline rush from her previous activities, subsequently took over the floor and told everyone that she would teach them the true meaning of greed. For Bond Hill, this meant giving a long and extremely detailed presentation on Vassar’s endowment. Noticing that everyone seemed extremely bored, Cappy stormed off, allegedly whispering, “I thought it would be totally meta. No one here understands me.”
The last floor Cappy visited before being intercepted by security was Lust. Unlike the other floors, however, Hill was prompted to leave not by her own actions, but due to someone else’s. Witnesses report that The Miscellany News’s own Humor and Satire Editor Zander Bashaw was seen chatting up the College President. When asked for comment, Zander said, “I can’t explain my actions, her toothy smile is so much more enchanting in person! But she said that the hook-up culture at Vassar is far too weak for her to dignify participating in.”
After this final incident, security officers finally caught up with Cappy and escorted her home. Inside sources report that President Catharine Hill will have to meet with a House Advisor later in the week to discuss her actions. While declining to comment about her behavior last evening, Cappy did tell us, “Completely on the record, that Xavier kid should stay within his league. Or at least his own tax bracket.”