Acclaimed Netflix critic hits rock bottom in latest reviews

Over the break, I had much more free time than usual, compounded with an almost over­powering need to hide from my family. I ended up logging a lot of quality time with my good friend, Netflix. We laughed, we cried, and we ended up learning about each other. Netflix is now painfully aware of my penchant for period dramas, and I discovered the worst of the worst in the depths of Netflix’s content.

“Rubber”

This stunning piece of cinematography fea­tures a lonely and sadistic tire on a solo joy-ride through the desert. The tire also possesses psy­chic powers and can make things explode with his tire-brain. We don’t know why any of this is happening, or even the point of of it. There is a lot of gore and death and, much more trauma­tizing, a lot of gratuitous breaking of the fourth wall. Overall, it’s an amateurish stab at creating a mock-metaphor for the pointlessness of the human condition or something.

“Sharknado”

My high school discovered this cult classic when it first came out in 2013, but I never got around to it until now. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it’s about a tornado with sharks in it that terrorizes a city. And that’s kind of it. My favorite part of the film was when the token hot blonde ripped through the belly of a great white with her chainsaw.

“Scooby-Doo” (live-action)

My younger brothers and I were bored and decided to give this live-action remake a try. We all loved “Scooby-Doo” cartoons when we were younger, so what could go wrong? A lot. Terrible actors, hokey animations, massive plot holes. We ended up muting it and making our own dialogue, which ended up being much more entertaining. As the ’70s-esque Mystery Gang bumbled through the limp dialogue full of 2000’s catch-phrases, the only mystery needing solving was why this movie was ever created.

“Catwoman”

Another classic bad movie, “Catwoman” fea­tures a young woman working at what I believe is a makeup company. The protagonist discov­ers her employer’s secret: the makeup will im­prove one’s appearance in the short-term, but has chemicals that break the skin down in the long-term. The protagonist is flushed out of a chemical waste shoot and washes up on a small island covered in cats. She then develops her powers and takes her place among the ranks of established super heroes as “Catwoman,” with slightly enhanced flexibility and sensory ability. Acting, plotline and effects are all terrible.

“Reign”

A guilty pleasure for my high school friends, “Reign” is a drama telling the story of Mary, Queen of Scots. Despite having at least two seasons, the show is one of the most carelessly inaccurate television shows ever created. The characters slip in and out of Scottish accents, are boldly made up with anachronistic mascara and eyeshadow, and sport hairstyles worthy of a 2012 Pinterest board. Political matters are pushed to the back burner in favor of Mary’s infinitely more interesting dilemma of whether she was in love with her fiancé or his dashing, bad-boy older half-brother. Storylines involving prophecies and the savage pagan religion keep things light and fluffy.

“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny”

Sequel to the 2000 martial arts film, “CTHD­SoD,” was completely panned by critics and au­dience members. Receiving a 16 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, some of the more choice reviews included language such as “a dispir­itingly leaden affair,” or my personal favorite, “interminable sequences of people banging their swords together and occasionally being ejaculated into the air like digital snowflakes.” Netflix’s efforts were obviously not up to snuff.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.