On April 1, Frank Underwood declared his decision to run in the 2016 presidential race. In an exclusive interview with The Miscellany News, Underwood explained his sudden decision to run for president, and tried to get the Vassar youth to stand behind him in the coming elections. This will undoubtedly be a challenge for the Underwood campaign due to his late and completely out of the blue entrance into the race.
Many of Vassar’s students have shared their strong support for popular Democratic candidate, Bernie Sanders. In fact, Sanders has invoked such vigorous support from Vassar students that they have formed a ritualistic group. This group gathers on Joss Beach where they light a small circle of fire around a portrait of Bernie. The group of students will chant “FEEL THE BERN! FEEL THE BERN!” to the beat of Vermont’s State anthem. Occasionally, when the fire dies down they will throw pages of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged to reignite the flames. When the Misc. interviewed the leader of this unofficial Vassar club, they said, “Many think of us as a cult, but we are far from that. We’re just like any other political club on campus.” The student remains unidentified for he refused to take off his Bernie Sanders mask during the interview.
We warned Underwood of these extreme cases of political support on campus, however, Underwood, renowned for his stoicism and unreadable demeanor, remained unfazed by this show of vigorous support for Sanders. When asked why he suddenly decided to run, Underwood responded with qualms about the growing support for Republican nominees, “With Trump’s supporters slowly gaining size, how can Hillary or Bernie even hope to overcome the Republicans?” He continued, “The Republican candidate, will fight tooth and nail for the seat in the oval office. When it comes down to it, the Democratic candidate will have to be willing and able to fight fire with fire—to get down and dirty with these Republican bullies. I will do whatever it takes to win.” Underwood pursed his lips and squinted his eyes slightly—a common sight according to many of Underwood’s colleagues. This look of intense determination proved his hunger to win.
When asked what opinions Underwood held for Sanders and Hillary respectively, he responded with the grace of a politician. “Bernie Sanders is a fine man, but he cannot hold the weight of the world on his shoulders. He is fragile—a small bird that will flail in the aggressive winds of our nation.” We asked Underwood whether he was referring to the recent trend #BirdieSanders, and he said, “I most certainly am. That bird is the physical embodiment of Sanders! It is small, it is peaceable and it can do no harm. We need a falcon to hold the world on its wings.”
Later that day, Underwood’s publicity team started the hashtag #FalconUnderwood. It was retweeted seven times, all by Underwood himself.
Regarding Hillary, Underwood said, “Hillary is a powerful woman. My wife, Claire, is very good friends with her and I have the utmost respect for her. However, she is an enigma and we cannot have an enigma leading the greatest democratic nation in the world!” Underwood concluded, “At the end of the day, you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” The Misc team still has no clue what this phrase means. We have been unsuccessfully working to determine the meaning of this incredibly vague phrase.
Political Science majors at Vassar analyzed Underwood’s chances. They speculated that Underwood’s “America Works” program (better known as AmWorks) could galvanize and perhaps convert some Sanders supporter. Underwood stands a fair chance against Hillary Clinton; his hospitable personality rank highly among the painfully uncharismatic Clinton. When asked to describe the three Democratic candidates, one Vassar student described Sanders as “that uncle who shouts at everybody during Thanksgiving for no apparent reason,” Clinton as “that mom who tries to be cool by attempting to use more hip vocabulary in her everyday vernacular” and Frank Underwood as “that family friend who is really tight with parents but hates the kids with a burning and hellish passion.” Poli Sci professors and students agreed with this analogy.
As of today, the Democratic nomination remains up in the air. In a few months, will we be hearing students and supporters yelling “F U! Underwood 2016!” in support of Frank Underwood’s campaign? Or will F U Underwood take on a completely different meaning? One thing’s for certain, Underwood’s current campaign is as stable as a house of cards.