Student blogs Tinder activity from download to deletion

Ah, spring break! 14 straight days to do whatever my antisocial heart desires. I can wake up at 2 p.m. and take a nap at 3 p.m. I can finally devote some much needed atten­tion to my Sims family (they’re going through a rough time right now). I can watch 10 uninter­rupted episodes of “House of Cards” and eat a whole wheel of brie cheese without judge­ment. The possibilities are endless!

Aww, but look at my friends. Their Insta­grams make it look like they’re having way more fun. They’re posting pictures of them­selves at the beach or snowboarding or going to an underground sloth race. Damnit, I should do something like that. You know what? This time will be different. No more hiding in my room under a pile of takeout boxes and wine bottles. No more walking around with no pants. This spring break, I’m going to be bold. I’m going to be adventurous. I’m going to let my freak flag fly—I’m going to download Tin­der!

Okay, let’s see. First, I gotta pick some pho­tos for my profile. I’m definitely channeling some inner-Beyoncé realness with this one. And I need at least one photo with other peo­ple in it to at least imply that I have friends. I forgot I had this one of me eating ribs in my footie pajamas… I’ll just put that one at the end. Now a bio. Something that says I’m cute and relatable, but also bow down before my come­dic genius.

Oh, I know! The great thing about being 5’1” is that you can order chicken nuggets from the children’s menu without raising suspi­cion. Perfect! Now, age preference. 18 is a little young for me, I don’t think I’m quite ready for the cougar lifestyle. And 26 is little too ma­ture. You’re like a real adult—you have to do shit like pay taxes and take multivitamins. 19-22 feels about right. Okay, maximum distance. Well since it’s my first time, let’s just cast a wide net. 50 miles seems good. Besides, the further away they are, the less likely I am to see them in person.

Well everything is set up now. I guess there’s nothing left but to swipe. Jesus, this is terri­fying. This was a horrible idea. Besides my Sims family needs me. No—I can do this! Be bold, remember? First profile is Terrence, 19: If you hate cantaloupe, you and I will get along just fine! Oh my god, I hate cantaloupe! Damn garbage fruit, swipe right. Next is Jordan, 21: I may seem like a terrible person on the outside, but on the inside I’m also a terrible person. So that’s a swipe left. Willie, 21: Tinder is just an­other way for the NSA to spy on us. A little weird, but not bad looking, swipe right. Brian, 20: Trump is just trying to make America great aga— Hell no, swipe left.

This is actually kind of fun! Who knew anonymously judging strangers could be so en­tertaining? Right. Right. Left. Left. Left—shit, he was actually kind of cute. Right. Right—Oh, I got a match! Here it is, proof that 1 of the 8 billion people on this earth finds me attractive! I am one of the chosen!

Left. Left. Right. Left. Right. I’ve had to pee for the past 2 hours, but I can’t stop. So many to swipe, so little time. It’s kind of hypnotic really. Right. Right. Right. I got a super like! Hell yeah you should super like me, I’m flaw­less! Kneel before me peasants! Left. Left. Oh, my first message! It’s from some guy named Adam. Who the hell is that? I don’t even re­member seeing his profile. “Hey, do you like roller coasters? Cuz’ you can ride mine any­time.” Disgusting and worse, uncreative.

Right. Right. Left. Right. Okay here’s an­other one from some kid named Tyler, I think he was a musician or something. “Hey, if you could listen to my song on Sound Cloud and donate some money to the GoFundMe for my new album that would be great.” I have neither the money nor the interest for that, unmatch. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

Oh, Terrence messaged me. He was the one who hates cantaloupe. “Hey cutie, how are you?” Finally someone, normal! Just play it cool—flirty, but not desperate. “Hey hand­some, I’m great, what about you?” And here I was worried that this was a complete and utter waste of time.

Oh, he responded! I’m fantastic! “You seem pretty flexible. Have you ever tried to fit in a suitcase?” So he’s definitely a serial killer…but at least he’s a polite one. You know what, this is getting a tad shady. Maybe I’m not cut out for this whole Tinder thing. I’ll just go back to House of Cards and not wearing pants.

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