After growing complaints about Student Secure’s inability to perform at the most inopportune times, investigative reporters at The Miscellany News infiltrated the Computing & Information Services (CIS) department only to discover that the wifi’s embarrassing dysfunction is caused by students securing themselves to each other on top of Server machines during full-blown orgies.
Prompted by the twenty-fifth CIS email this month, the reporters witnessed squeamish members of the CIS gagging as they tried to convince six Vassar upperclassmen to climb down from the Server machines and “stop uploading their data into other people’s hard drives.” Upon seeing the horrified yet slightly impressed reporters, head of the CIS Michael Cato quickly tried to block their view from what he called “a most indecent exposure.” Unfortunately, the event reached an even more absurd climax when two couples found themselves tangled in wire cords and suspended in the air, crying out in fear (probably).
Once the horny students were shooed out and the obviously traumatized Michael Cato was given a few minutes to breathe in a paper bag, the reporters were finally able to grasp what was going on.
“Every damn time…we turn on the lights, we see…students ‘getting busy’ on top of our Server machines…making a whole bunch of ungodly sounds,” stated Michael Cato in-between gasps into his paper bag.
It appears that, due to the freezing weather outside, the frequent patrons of Vassar’s famous sex tree have turned to the CIS maintenance office as a viable and equally romantic substitute. Once word got out about the new “Hotspot” on campus, the CIS office became the go-to place to “study biology” for members of the Vassar Orgy Finder Facebook page. As much as college promotes experimentation and fun times, the CIS is forced to shut down the Server afterwards to wipe up the mess.
Michael Cato groaned as he explained, “We knew we had to talk to the Dean of Students about this… but none of us were exactly eager to describe the…ugh…orgies to him in detail. Please don’t make me go into detail.” Following his haggard explanation, Cato excused himself again to return to his paper bag. At press time, Cato was absent, but CIS workers told us he would return soon after buying another bottle of Windex.