Need blind: the presidential candidate nobody expected

Humor article by Ashley Pecorelli-26196390541
By Ashley Pecorelli

Sup Vassholes! My name is Evelyn Frick (she/her/hers), and as a staff columnist at The Miscellany News, I wanted to use this very im­portant platform/napkin to discuss something I have found troubling. As the VSA Elections are coming up quickly, I have seen lots of people campaigning for positions like “Senator of Stra­tegic Planning,” “Chair of Objectifying Titles” or even the coveted position of “Prime Minister of Going to Acrop Drunk.” But one essential po­sition is up for grabs for which there is yet to be a candidate.

Night after night I have tossed and turned, anxiously wondering who would be fit to serve our community in this role. So, I have finally decided to step up to the plate like Michael Jor­dan in his wildly over-confident and short-lived baseball career, and announcing my intention to run for Vassar College President 2017!

As the next president of Vassar, a crucial mo­ment for the college and its legacy would be my first action: creating a new, wacky nickname for myself! I was thinking of something like Eppy, as an homage to Cappy, and also as a promise that my policies will be enacted quickly, like a swift stab of epinephrine to the outer thigh.

Another major initiative of my presidency will be to stop demolition of the remaining shell of Mudd Chemistry. I have heard so many first years complaining, “I am so sad that I never got to go inside Mudd!” Well now is your chance! My goal is to leave Mudd in its current ghost-of-its-former-self state, so there are plenty of opportunities for ~artsy~ and ~original~ selfies. Just make sure you’re up to date on your tetanus vaccines, kiddos.

Moreover, I plan on converting the pres­ident’s home into a frat house to shake things up! Out with the Kappa and in with the Epsi­lon, as I always say! (Or just started saying right now.) Why not get to know me better AND have the esteemed privilege of vomiting in the pres­ident’s bathroom! I hope you notice that I am appropriating and modifying bro culture, which is only a small component of my larger feminist agenda!

Living in Strong House, I have seen the femi­nist Promised Land, people. It is a vision of the world with a supply of tampons and Pamprin raining from the heavens like manna. Women from every background living together peace­fully, like a reverse Tower of Babel. What was I talking about again? Oh, lady power, right! Most importantly, there are powerful female leaders.

So who would you rather have as president, another boring, white, straight, old dude? Exact­ly. Frick the Patriarchy! Vote Evelyn for Vassar College President. (This message is approved by the Committee for the Shameless Self-Pro­motion of Evelyn Frick.)

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