Sup Vassholes! My name is Evelyn Frick (she/her/hers), and as a staff columnist at The Miscellany News, I wanted to use this very important platform/napkin to discuss something I have found troubling. As the VSA Elections are coming up quickly, I have seen lots of people campaigning for positions like “Senator of Strategic Planning,” “Chair of Objectifying Titles” or even the coveted position of “Prime Minister of Going to Acrop Drunk.” But one essential position is up for grabs for which there is yet to be a candidate.
Night after night I have tossed and turned, anxiously wondering who would be fit to serve our community in this role. So, I have finally decided to step up to the plate like Michael Jordan in his wildly over-confident and short-lived baseball career, and announcing my intention to run for Vassar College President 2017!
As the next president of Vassar, a crucial moment for the college and its legacy would be my first action: creating a new, wacky nickname for myself! I was thinking of something like Eppy, as an homage to Cappy, and also as a promise that my policies will be enacted quickly, like a swift stab of epinephrine to the outer thigh.
Another major initiative of my presidency will be to stop demolition of the remaining shell of Mudd Chemistry. I have heard so many first years complaining, “I am so sad that I never got to go inside Mudd!” Well now is your chance! My goal is to leave Mudd in its current ghost-of-its-former-self state, so there are plenty of opportunities for ~artsy~ and ~original~ selfies. Just make sure you’re up to date on your tetanus vaccines, kiddos.
Moreover, I plan on converting the president’s home into a frat house to shake things up! Out with the Kappa and in with the Epsilon, as I always say! (Or just started saying right now.) Why not get to know me better AND have the esteemed privilege of vomiting in the president’s bathroom! I hope you notice that I am appropriating and modifying bro culture, which is only a small component of my larger feminist agenda!
Living in Strong House, I have seen the feminist Promised Land, people. It is a vision of the world with a supply of tampons and Pamprin raining from the heavens like manna. Women from every background living together peacefully, like a reverse Tower of Babel. What was I talking about again? Oh, lady power, right! Most importantly, there are powerful female leaders.
So who would you rather have as president, another boring, white, straight, old dude? Exactly. Frick the Patriarchy! Vote Evelyn for Vassar College President. (This message is approved by the Committee for the Shameless Self-Promotion of Evelyn Frick.)