Finally! A definitive guide to starting a fight

Do you need help controlling the anger within you? Do you find yourself creating fights in your dreams, but never able to do so IRL? Then this article is for you. Here is my se­cret early on: the best way to pick a fight is to be angry all the time, just as the philosopher Bruce Banner (aka The Hulk) says. Now, Mr. Banner uses this as a way of not getting into fights, but in this self-help article we’re going to use his words as more of a jumping-off point than a staying-there point.

Expressing our anger in a healthy way is an important part of this daily breakfast, and I think that breakfast is a great place to start. While out to brunch, pick fights with people by paying for their mimosas and smiling with your teeth (an aggressive act, according to my scout leader). Since brunch is the most aggressive meal of them all, it will be all the more in-your-face. At brunch on Oct. 3, 2014, I was able to start a fight with a mother/daughter pair. They ended up pouring their mimosas on their dessert crepes and put it all on my table. Success!

Whether you’re walking down a crowded city street, or even just the quad walkway, be prepared to get angry at random passersby. Is someone walking too fast? Too slow? Usually people pass by you without a second glance. However, you are special and deserve to be re­membered by everybody you pass. Get creative!

Your fight need not be picked verbally; per­haps try giving the person a rose (with the thorns sanded off), or trust-falling into them. This will probably create a physical altercation, and you must be prepared to defend yourself. If you are a yeller and not a puncher, keep the contact to a minimum.

If you want to go the verbal route, “Hey you!” is a great basic phrase to start, but try and spice it up. Try creating a name for them. “Paul, wait!” or “Caroline, let me catch up!” If your Paul or Caroline isn’t around, you’re bound to turn heads, and you can pick a fight with those heads. Keep calling them by the name you made up for them; they will be bewildered into sub­mission.

Once your fight has been picked, you have to know what you’re going to fight about. An easy go-to is the person’s outfit. Scream “I like your shoes!!” or shout “You did a great job of coor­dinating your socks with your top!” People will take this notice of their appearance as an affront and try to flick you on the nose. I should know, my nose has been flicked many a time. In this scenario you should try and counter with a hug (the natural predator to a nose flick), and win­ning the fight.

Many people see fights as a way to confront your problems head on, but I sometimes like to spice things up with a fight about the good things in my life. Blame your mom for giving you such good looks in a heated text message. Next time you see your best friend, yell at them for being so supportive and understanding. Just remember: compliments given at a normal vol­ume do not sink in. If you’re lucky, your friends or your mom might shout good things right back at you. These fights do a good job of re­leasing rage without ruining friendships.

If you’re like me and drama is your suste­nance, picking fights is a perfect way to have an exciting life, while also releasing all the rage pent up inside you. If you are not like me and find that you have no rage and no desire for dra­ma, then I suggest you either try to be like me, or avoid me at all costs.

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