Intergalactic ‘dog,’ prospie pillages ruins of Mudd Chem

On Friday, April 8 at around 2 p.m., the crew of the Millennium Falcon was seen outside the partially-demolished Mudd Chemistry building. Reports also state that the Millennium Falcon itself was parked be­side Sunset Lake at this time.

Vassar students stated that they first saw the Millennium Falcon when they were “just chilling” by the lake. Apparently it took these students a little while to realize that what they were seeing was real. “When I first saw the Millennium Falcon by the lake, I was pretty sure my eyes were just playing tricks on me,” said Andrew Toke, who declined to comment what he was doing by the lake at the time. “When an eight-foot-tall hairy creature start­ed driving a tractor over towards campus, I realized I had to be seeing something real.”

Toke and his small group of friends were pretty blasé about the interaction with an ex­tragalactic spacecraft, but they weren’t the only ones to interact with the spacecraft or its operators. Much more reliable sources, including the Mudd demolition staff, confirm that they saw a “Sasquatch” and a young wom­an removing wires and pieces of mangled ma­chinery from Mudd Building.

Presumably, they were using the parts from the dilapidated building to repair the Falcon, or even just hoping to find some spare parts to sell. Mudd demolition staff was surprised that anyone would be interested in the spare parts from the building. “I can’t see how any of the asbestos-covered guts of this building would be useful to any modern society, let alone one where they can make sentient artificial intel­ligence.” Apparently the two visitors felt the same way, because not long after they had been spotted gutting the building, they de­parted from the scene.

Students leaving a Roman History class in Sanders Classroom say they saw a “furry fig­ure” pushing a wheelbarrow of Mudd build­ing’s pieces towards the lake, and a “woman with a tunic and a long staff” walking towards the admissions building. Presumably, Chewy was going back to fix the Falcon, or use the asbestos to kill space germs, but reporters can only guess as to why Rey was headed to the admissions building.

What we do know is that someone signed into the admissions office as “Rachel Force” and marked down that she was interested in “Engineering and Close Combat.” Though the pseudonym and interests seem to line up with the Rey we know from “The Force Awakens,” we must ask ourselves why in a galaxy far far away would someone with genuine Jedi pow­ers be interested in taking a Vassar tour?

Perhaps she wants to use the Force com­bined with a liberal arts education to fight a First Order equivalent in our world. Surely that would be the broad concept of the pa­triarchy. If Rey came to Vassar, perhaps she could help move our own students beyond merely complaining about these issues on Tumblr and start infiltrating not headquarters containing white storm troopers, but CEO of­fices full of equally corrupt white men.

A big question about these events is if Rey visited our campus, how did Vassar stu­dents—who, on average, watched “The Force Awakens” 3.6 times over winter break—not recognize her like they did with Colbert or Kudrow? The answer could be that nobody saw her as different than the usual student. “We get a lot of wide-eyed, oddly-dressed people coming in and out of the admissions office,” shrugged admissions office secretary Joe Avraj. “True, the pole she had was a little weird, and she appeared to flip the admissions booklet without touching the pages, but we’ve sort of been trained to tune that kind of thing out.”

While Rey’s presence on campus was a bit more stealthy, nobody could deny that Chew­bacca was present and active. Chewy joined a pick-up soccer game with a group of wan­na-be athletes, but was kicked out after refus­ing to go “skins.” According to the “athletes,” he left Ballantine with a traditional bellow of frustration, wandering back towards the lake, where security was slapping a parking ticket on the Millennium Falcon. According to Toke and others by the lake, Chewy and Rey de­parted soon after, tossing security’s unintim­idating CRVs a gesture that could only be an intergalactic version of the middle finger.

At press time, Vassar higher-ups expressed their delight that Rey had come to tour Vas­sar and not Wesleyan, but also noted that if she applied for next year, they would likely be unable to remain need-blind in response to her application. Perhaps selling the Millenni­um Falcon could cover a couple semesters of tuition…

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