The Miscellany News

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You turn in early the night before Founder’s Day, visions of revelry dancing in your head, and are awakened bright and early by your stu­dent fellow. “LET’S RAGE,” she hollers, push­ing entire handles of Fireball into your hands.

To refuse and return to bed, turn to option 1.

To accept a shot, turn to option 2.

OPTION 1

“Absolutely not,” you say firmly. “Have you no respect for the three B’s?” Your student fel­low sheepishly stalks out of the room and you roll over and fall back asleep.

Turn to option 3.

OPTION 2

You partake in the festivities with your fel­low group and then it’s time to get dressed and head outside. You poke your head out the win­dow. The day is bright and beautiful, and the sun’s warmth hints at the endless summer that lies just beyond finals. Your phone lights up with a text from your bestie. Apparently your friends are already outside, and you’re missing a game of “Never Have I Ever.”

To put on your skimpiest outfit and dash out the door, turn to option 4.

To stop, hydrate and get something in your stomach first, turn to option 5.

OPTION 3

You snooze alone in your room until the early afternoon, when your roommates bum­ble in the door. They entreat you to come have fun, but you shake your head and pull out your laptop. You work on your history paper for the rest of the day. When the sun sets, you try to head out for dinner, but you’re stopped in your tracks on the Deece path by a violently forni­cating couple. You turn around and go back to bed, congratulating yourself on a Founder’s Day free of debauchery.

THE END

OPTION 4

You pull on an ensemble consisting of ap­proximately 2 grams of fabric (1 of those grams being pure lace), grab your sunglasses and race out to the quad, where your friends are just fin­ishing the game and are now about to head to the library and go streaking through the stacks.

To join them, turn to option 7.

To stop and get something in your stomach, turn to option 5.

OPTION 5

You head to the Retreat, grab a cup of water and get in line for the Grill. It’s incredibly long; apparently everyone has the munchies.

To slip out of line and join your friends, turn to option 7.

To order pancakes, turn to option 6.

To give up and head back to your room, turn to option 3.

OPTION 6

Sadly, the pancakes have been contaminated with peanuts by an inebriated student work­er and you’re allergic. You didn’t pack your EpiPen because your skimpy shorts don’t have pockets. All your friends give eulogies at your funeral and you get a bench dedicated to your memory outside the College Center.

THE END

OPTION 7

You and your friends stampede into the li­brary, stripping off your clothes as you go and tossing them at the librarians. As you’re mak­ing a loop around the Reading Room, hooting and hollering, you catch a glimpse of your up­perclassman crush! He must have been doing some last-minute studying before joining in the festivities. You’re feeling a little sick from all that running, though.

To sneak away from him to go throw up in the bathroom, go to option 8.

To run up and flirt with him, go to option 9.

OPTION 8

You creep away, but he turns his head and sees you in your compromising state. You spend the rest of the day sitting by the lake, contemplating your life decisions and obses­sively checking your Friendsy.

THE END

OPTION 9

You run up and accost him, mesmeriz­ing him with your best drunken flirting skills (which rely heavily on eyelash batting and crazed giggling). He’s totally into it! You spend the rest of the day making passionate love in the Vogelstein basement.

THE END