Holden:
Good morning, Ferris Poo-ler, this is Principal Rooney
Here to say you’re flunking out because your intellect is puny
I can drop rhymes harder than I drop swears and curses
And I’ll knock off your block with my literary verses!
My hunting hat’s handsome and I’ll cut you with my words
Cuz I think your whole franchise is strictly for the birds!
Ferris:
Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop you could miss it
I’ve got no time to waste, so I’m gonna be explicit
You’re a super screwed-up child with no character evolution
And you’re the worst damn writer in your mental institution!
Ho-ho Caulfield, pathetic “catcher in the rye”
One angry little worm who’ll never be a butterfly!
Holden:
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Is there anything in your brain?
I may be complicated, but you’re criminally insane
You’re a smug little thief and your hair is mediocre
I’d kiss Ackley before I’d touch you with a ten-foot poker!
You call yourself Abe Froman, sausage king of Chi-Town
So take a bite of my wiener, you impudent clown!
Ferris:
Doff that stupid red hat so we can battle properly
First: I’m a better lover than you’re ever gonna be
You’re repressed and awkward, so you’re Pencey’s oldest virgin
I’m so skilled with Sloane, I don’t play “doctor” but “surgeon!”
You’ve got the hots for Jane, but she knows you’re a wimp:
You didn’t bang the whore you ordered, but you still paid her pimp!
Holden:
Yeah, I called a call girl, but you committed grand theft auto
And you’ll never fool me with your shows of bravado
You’re a third-rate friend: Cam thinks you’re a meanie
And my sister Phoebe loves me, while you’re hated by Jeannie!
I can only go up, in ten years I’ll have it made
In a decade you’ll be dismayed ‘cause you peaked in 12th grade!
Ferris:
How’s it feel to be written by a creepy old geek?
Let’s be real: Salinger’s an Antolini-level freak
He won’t sell the film rights, while I sell hella tickets
His fan club’s so quiet I can hear the chirping crickets!
But I bet you can relate to an author who’s reclusive
Since your pathetic social life is equally elusive!
Holden:
As I stroll downtown, I hear everyone chanting
“Save Ferris,” they say—that’s a wish I’ll be granting
But I won’t save you, I’ll save your whole movie’s cast
From producing a movie with your ugly fat ass!
John Hughes did you wrong—he directed a nightmare
And he gave you a name that’s a ride at the fair!
Ferris:
It’s no wonder that your brother Allie’s pushing up daisies
He couldn’t stand another day with a family of crazies
I’m a legend, on a float belting “Danke Schoene”
While you’re flirting with a housewife on the uptown train!
Your book’s a circle-jerk and you’re a whiny masturbator
I’ve got places to be, so I’ll see you Strad-later!