Whiny white boys perform a not-so-celebrity rap battle

Holden:

Good morning, Ferris Poo-ler, this is Princi­pal Rooney

Here to say you’re flunking out because your intellect is puny

I can drop rhymes harder than I drop swears and curses

And I’ll knock off your block with my liter­ary verses!

My hunting hat’s handsome and I’ll cut you with my words

Cuz I think your whole franchise is strictly for the birds!

Ferris:

Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop you could miss it

I’ve got no time to waste, so I’m gonna be explicit

You’re a super screwed-up child with no character evolution

And you’re the worst damn writer in your mental institution!

Ho-ho Caulfield, pathetic “catcher in the rye”

One angry little worm who’ll never be a butterfly!

Holden:

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Is there anything in your brain?

I may be complicated, but you’re criminally insane

You’re a smug little thief and your hair is mediocre

I’d kiss Ackley before I’d touch you with a ten-foot poker!

You call yourself Abe Froman, sausage king of Chi-Town

So take a bite of my wiener, you impudent clown!

Ferris:

Doff that stupid red hat so we can battle properly

First: I’m a better lover than you’re ever gonna be

You’re repressed and awkward, so you’re Pencey’s oldest virgin

I’m so skilled with Sloane, I don’t play “doc­tor” but “surgeon!”

You’ve got the hots for Jane, but she knows you’re a wimp:

You didn’t bang the whore you ordered, but you still paid her pimp!

Holden:

Yeah, I called a call girl, but you committed grand theft auto

And you’ll never fool me with your shows of bravado

You’re a third-rate friend: Cam thinks you’re a meanie

And my sister Phoebe loves me, while you’re hated by Jeannie!

I can only go up, in ten years I’ll have it made

In a decade you’ll be dismayed ‘cause you peaked in 12th grade!

Ferris:

How’s it feel to be written by a creepy old geek?

Let’s be real: Salinger’s an Antolini-level freak

He won’t sell the film rights, while I sell hella tickets

His fan club’s so quiet I can hear the chirp­ing crickets!

But I bet you can relate to an author who’s reclusive

Since your pathetic social life is equally elusive!

Holden:

As I stroll downtown, I hear everyone chanting

“Save Ferris,” they say—that’s a wish I’ll be granting

But I won’t save you, I’ll save your whole movie’s cast

From producing a movie with your ugly fat ass!

John Hughes did you wrong—he directed a nightmare

And he gave you a name that’s a ride at the fair!

Ferris:

It’s no wonder that your brother Allie’s pushing up daisies

He couldn’t stand another day with a family of crazies

I’m a legend, on a float belting “Danke Schoene”

While you’re flirting with a housewife on the uptown train!

Your book’s a circle-jerk and you’re a whiny masturbator

I’ve got places to be, so I’ll see you Strad-lat­er!

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