How to be EMS’d like a champ: some intoxicating tips

By Samana Shrestha
By Samana Shrestha
By Samana Shrestha

Founder’s Day is fast approaching. The man­ic stress from an accumulation of papers and exams slowly eats away at the sanity of the typical Vassarian. But on May 7, 2016, Vassar students will do what they do best: drown out their responsibilities with illicit substances and forget the hellish arrival of finals.

Students are undoubtedly bracing their bod­ies for the mess that will become of them on this festive and celebratory day. “Innocent” and “legal” fun is sure to be had, and for the fresh­men who have yet to experience Founder’s Day, they have received an array of safety tips from their Student Fellows.

But in reality, these flyers do little to prevent or ameliorate the impending chaos and anar­chy that will surely encompass the school on Founder’s Day. We need to accept the fact that students are most likely going to go batshit crazy and thus, I am creating a list of tips and tricks on how to not make a complete and utter fool of yourself when you are being EMS’d.

If you’ve ever been EMS’d for intoxication and embarrassed yourself in a drunken stupor, perhaps this will resonate with you, or perhaps you were so profoundly fucked up you are in­capable of remembering. Either way, read on.

Tip 1: Listen to questions and answer well

When EMS comes knocking on your door at whatever hour and sees the mess of a human you have become, they will question you in or­der to gauge how bad you are. Standard ques­tions such as, “What have you been drinking?” or, “How much have you had to drink?” are expected. However, when they ask you, “What else have you had tonight?” it is crucial to re­alize that they are not referring to mixers or chasers. They are most likely referring to oth­er illegal substances/alcoholic drinks. So non­chalantly replying “Coke” is not the way to go. EMS will stare at you, in stunned silence. And if you still have not realized the error in your ways after even more prolonged silence while the EMS staff tries to figure out how you’re still alive, for God’s sake don’t try to justify yourself by saying something like “What’s the big deal? It’s just Coke.” This will not help .

Tip 2: Brush up on your history.

While EMS is evaluating you, they will ask you some questions because it is well-known that every EMS call comes with a short trivia section. In the 10 minutes it takes for EMS to arrive at your door, grab a laptop or a book and quickly cram some general knowledge into your intoxicated mind. In a state of inebriation, a simple question such as “Who is the current president of the United States?” may seem as difficult as finding the derivative of an infinite function. Remember, everything is harder when you’re drunk. P.S. The answer to “Who is the current president of the United States?” is not passively aggressively asserting “Joe Biden!” Doing some studying will save you and your friends from embarrassment.

Tip 3: EMS are friends, not foes.

Don’t fight the lovely people who devote their time to EMS. These are volunteer stu­dents who have other things to do than put up with your drunken antics. Yes, being EMS’d is burdensome, tiresome and an overall annoying situation to be in, but try not to direct your hos­tility towards the innocent students working for EMS. Comply with whatever they ask you to do. If they ask you to walk in a straight line towards them, do it without a fuss. If they ask you to perform an Irish jig, it is vital that you cooperate fully. Because in the end, everything they ask of you is for your own good.

Tip 4: Friends are friends, not foes.

It’s always a good idea to have a sober (or at least sober-er) friend accompanying you on your nightly endeavors. Founder’s Day should be no different. Think of your responsible friends as the margarita to your tequila–just as necessary, but not as lethal. In EMS situations, friends play the most important role: They’ll be there to hold your hair up as you vomit your guts out, they’ll be there to give you that glass of water (you’ll thank them for this the next morning) and, perhaps most important of all, they’ll be there to remember all the stupid things you did/said last night.

Tip 5: Thank the EMS staff

Even though what got you into this mess wasn’t classy, be classy. Whether it’s with the traditional thank you card, a bouquet of bal­loons or any number of edible arrangements (sans the kind of edibles you consumed before you needed their assistance), make sure to show some love to the people who fixed your broken body. It takes a special kind of person to willingly assist dangerously intoxicated fools all weekend and they don’t get nearly enough credit. Besides, at least you’ll have a good rap­port with them when they find you feeling like a fish out of water on Flounder’s Day.

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