Inside the Snapchat revolution, making the app worse for the greater good

In September of 2015, a young woman crashed her car while recording its speed using a filter on the popular app, Snapchat. As this type of accident has occurred before and Snapchat has made no changes in or­der to prevent them, a victim of this recent crash is now suing the $20-billion company. In wake of this lawsuit, Snapchat executives have realized that the three-second “we’re super sorry” video they’ve sent to previous victims during hospital visitation hours prob­ably won’t cut it this time. And so they have revealed plans to redesign their app. How­ever, CEO of Snapchat Evan Spiegel main­tains, “But we at Snapchat believe that the problem is not with the app itself, but instead lies with the demographic of people who use Snapchat. Any redesigns are our attempts to drive away the idiots and draw in the respect­able type of people who will create beautiful ‘snapsterpieces.’”

Spiegel relayed that the first of these re­visions must obviously be in response to the trend of people snapping and driving. Final­ly they will be removing the controversial speed-measuring filter and will be replacing it with another face-swapping filter. Howev­er, this filter will not allow the user to face-swap with pictures from their camera roll or with someone right next to them. Alterna­tively, this new filter will allow snappers to swap faces with the faces of a family member they could kill while recklessly driving.

The goal of the update is that it won’t be as fun for those who plan to snap on the roads and will drive them away. This modification to Snapchat will also provide the opportuni­ty for this demographic to commit vehicular homicide not because they’re trying to keep a snap streak alive, but because they are driv­ing under the influence. Like regular terrible people.

Another upcoming change to the app will be using teamsnapchat in effort to oust rac­ists from Snapchat’s usership. In the past, the company’s personal Snapchat has sent messages to users in celebration of super im­portant cultural and religious holidays like Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day. Now, in order to celebrate diversity, teamsnapchat plans to message users on less white holi­days. Co-founder of Snapchat Bobby Murphy commented, “We’re anticipating that a snap during every day of Ramadan or Black His­tory Month will cause a lot of bigots to stop using our app.” When asked about a recent incident involving a Bob Marley filter which some have equated to black face, Murphy did not acknowledge the racist and hypocritical implications of it. Instead, he quoted from “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” a song by Bobby McFerrin, and not, as Murphy seemed to think, a song by Bob Marley.

Glossing over this awkward moment, Evan Spiegel went on to describe the modification that will be made to the Snapchat messenger. The way the app is now, any message like any picture that is sent through the app, is no longer viewable after the receiver has seen it. More than just being an issue for people who have normal memory skills, this blank slate messenger makes any morning after far less embarrassing because people can’t see the gross messages they drunkenly sent to their hookup. In an effort to discourage Snapchat’s use as a grimy virtual brothel on par with Kik, the app will now automatically download any messages that use the phrase “lol and then what?” directly onto users’ phones. Once this causes as mass exodus of aggressively straight dude bros from Snapchat, more venerable users will be assured that deleting messages once they are downloaded onto their devices will be a lot easier to get rid of than say, HPV.

The last change will not be significant in comparison to the revisions before it, howev­er. Soon, the dog, bunny and cat filters will slowly be phased out. Snapchat’s CEO ex­plained, “For whatever reason people don’t think that Snapchat can see their messages and pictures, but we totally can. I am so tired of seeing unnecessarily long snap stories of the self-obsessed, but seeing weird, furry porn is much, much worse.”

Whether or not these changes will make an impact on Snapchat’s user demographic is unclear. And despite Snapchat’s claims, the problem seems to be more with the app it­self than with the people. Perhaps it would help to have a more responsible, less trashy membership, but providing anyone with the unregulated opportunity to seriously fuck up their face without the aid of plastic surgery is bound to wreck havoc, in a snap.

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