So I guess I’m back for one last ride. That’s pretty cool, kind of like the NFL and the media circus it brings with it throughout the year. God, I love a good story and fortunately for me, this is the time of year when the NFL news begins to trickle back in. Yeah, we had the free agency window and all, but now we have things like voluntary workout programs and the draft. The stories go from Darelle Revis signing with a new team (which he does like every year) to Von Miller not wanting to work out with the team this week (which is totally fine because Von has to go out and win “Dancing with the Stars”).
In addition to that, we get the draft! Which is when a bunch of guys make a ton of predictions as to what team is going to pick who and they get maybe three correct a year!It’s the ultimate crapshoot and they grade a team’s draft like they know how good all of these pieces are going to come together. But I don’t want to shit on the league I love more than any other sport, so in order to critique the insanity that is grading a draft based on things that haven’t happened, I want to hand out my own draft grades for some teams.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A. Why do the Bucs get an A in this draft? Well it’s a really simple answer, they drafted a kicker in the second round. Not only that, they drafted Roberto Aguayo out of FSU who is the most accurate collegiate kicker in history. So why is this critical to a solid draft? The field never changes; the quality of the players might, but not the length of a kick. So if Aguayo can hit a 45 yarder every time in college, he’s going to hit it in the NFL and that’s three points every time. Move over, Carolina, there’s a new powerhouse in the South.
New York Giants: C-. I love the Giants, I’ve said it every single article I’ve ever written. Eli Apple is a pretty good corner but we already have two solid vets and needed linebackers and all that jazz to make Tony Romo retire. As I said last week, I wanted Ezekiel Elliot to give us the ultimate power trio in Odell, Eli and Zeke, but I guess that’s not happening thanks to Dallas. If we pick up OBJ’s freakishly large cousin who wants to play running back but hasn’t played since high school now, this draft class moves up to an A and Jerry Reese can keep his job. Until then, this was subpar at best.
Dallas Cowboys: F-. Two really quick takes on the Cowboys. They robbed us of Ezekiel Elliot because Jerry Jones thinks he can win a Super Bowl (I should go easier on Jerry, he’s a bit out of touch with the world nowadays). More importantly, Ezekiel Elliot didn’t even wear a full shirt to the draft. Way to go Zeke, we didn’t need to see your abs when you got picked up as the fourth pick, enjoy losing in the first round of the playoffs indefinitely if you ever make it. I used to think the world of you, but now you’re just another player I can shit on.
Cleveland Browns: A++. Way to go Cleveland! You won the 2016 NFL Draft! With some sly maneuvering by the front office, Browns University has accepted 14 new players for its class of 2020, a high since 1979! I don’t remember where I heard it and I’m too lazy to do any research, but it came out this past year that most players see being drafted to Cleveland as going through college again. You sign your rookie deal and play just well enough to get off the burning trainwreck that is sadness incarnate. This organization is in desperate need of a rebuild, but hey, they are making jobs and that’s what America is all about. You do you, Cleveland.
I would do all 32, but I only get 850 words so I’m going to have to leave it there. Ultimately I give this year’s draft an A for three big reasons. The first is that there were so many trades in the first round it made your head spin as teams jumped all over the board. Second, Goodell got booed relentlessly to the point where he used children as a defense mechanism during one of the announcements he had to make. Third, Laremy Tunsil’s gas mask video was the story the world needed, so shout out to the hacker who is definitely on his way to prison for making this stud of an athlete drop a whole eight spots to the Dolphins.