Recently, the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has updated the panda population’s status from endangered to vulnerable. Panda populations have been at risk for decades now because pandas are notoriously lax creatures. The main cause of their endangerment was their disinterest in mating. You would think that this pent up sexual frustration would give pandas the angst of an adolescent teenage boy, but you are mistaken. Pandas relish in the lack of “action” they receive, a fact that perplexes me to this day.
Thanks to conservation efforts, the population of pandas has risen at a slow but steady pace. However, at times these efforts produced little results. For example, the release of the movie franchise “Kung Fu Panda” evoked a widespread interest among audiences for the panda population’s welfare.
However, the interest quickly died down after the movie harbored even more disappointment among fans and panda enthusiasts alike. Cute panda videos being shared on social media, too, have evoked a sense of overwhelming cuteness. However this reaction is very temporary and usually ends by the time another kitten video pops up on the newsfeed. Social media analysts observe that these transient reactions often do not result in much action from the viewer.
Other efforts, such as the conservation of panda habitats and bamboo forests, have been tremendously successful too. However, the expansion of the panda habitats has produced very slow results, and it does not remedy the fact that the pandas still refuse to mate—we’ve tried everything from introducing several creative positions to supplying them with natural props (getting kinky with bamboo sticks). Scientists and analysts in the recent year, however, have noted that the number of pandas has expanded rapidly. Zoos, preserves and forests that hold endangered pandas have experienced a dramatic surge in the number of offspring being born. Conservationists and animal experts have claimed much of the credit for the panda population’s upward trend; however, the true hero in this story is American rapper, Desiigner.
In December 2015, the artist released a track with the name of “Panda.” In collaboration with the World Wildlife Fund (WWF), Desiigner released the renowned song in hopes of increasing the pandas’ libido. Undoubtedly, the efforts seemed to have paid off. “Panda” by Desiigner is now blasting in every panda pen, and speakers are being installed in Bamboo forests around China. Researchers and panda experts who have been monitoring the panda’s behavior since the release of the song have stated that the song, “Panda” has done wonders for the panda community and their sex lives. It increases their horniness by tenfold and, for some unexplainable reason, it seems to ignite a desire for them to mate.
Doctors caution that the song be played no more than five times a day, for listening to the song for too long may cause the species to act out of the ordinary. A doctor who preferred to stay anonymous stated that the song originally intended for the panda species have made its way to the top of the human music charts. He observed that when humans listened to the song “Panda” for too long (or too frequently) they began behaving worriedly, performing odd and out-of-place actions such as “dabbing” in public and mumbling along the incomprehensible lyrics of the song (although, to be fair, the lyrics are difficult to understand because they were not meant for human ears).
Doctors and scientists believe that this is due to the fact that the song was specifically made for pandas only, and the sound waves produced in the song do not adhere well to the human ear. No concrete evidence has been collected because every human test subject began dabbing uncontrollably after only the second listen of the song.
With the rise of the panda population, conservation efforts have turned to focus on the decline of the gorilla population. Gorillas have undergone a steep decline in motivation and morale ever since the death of Harambe (Rest In Peace, Harambe). However, conservationists are optimistic that with the same efforts used to increase the panda population we can save the gorillas too.