Bad club music has effect on panda hook-up culture

Recently, the International Union for Con­servation of Nature (IUCN) has updated the panda population’s status from endangered to vulnerable. Panda populations have been at risk for decades now because pandas are noto­riously lax creatures. The main cause of their endangerment was their disinterest in mating. You would think that this pent up sexual frus­tration would give pandas the angst of an ado­lescent teenage boy, but you are mistaken. Pan­das relish in the lack of “action” they receive, a fact that perplexes me to this day.

Thanks to conservation efforts, the population of pandas has risen at a slow but steady pace. However, at times these efforts produced little results. For example, the release of the movie franchise “Kung Fu Panda” evoked a widespread interest among audiences for the panda popula­tion’s welfare.

However, the interest quickly died down after the movie harbored even more disappointment among fans and panda enthusiasts alike. Cute panda videos being shared on social media, too, have evoked a sense of overwhelming cuteness. However this reaction is very temporary and usu­ally ends by the time another kitten video pops up on the newsfeed. Social media analysts ob­serve that these transient reactions often do not result in much action from the viewer.

Other efforts, such as the conservation of panda habitats and bamboo forests, have been tremendously successful too. However, the ex­pansion of the panda habitats has produced very slow results, and it does not remedy the fact that the pandas still refuse to mate—we’ve tried ev­erything from introducing several creative posi­tions to supplying them with natural props (get­ting kinky with bamboo sticks). Scientists and analysts in the recent year, however, have noted that the number of pandas has expanded rapidly. Zoos, preserves and forests that hold endangered pandas have experienced a dramatic surge in the number of offspring being born. Conservationists and animal experts have claimed much of the credit for the panda population’s upward trend; however, the true hero in this story is American rapper, Desiigner.

In December 2015, the artist released a track with the name of “Panda.” In collaboration with the World Wildlife Fund (WWF), Desiigner re­leased the renowned song in hopes of increas­ing the pandas’ libido. Undoubtedly, the efforts seemed to have paid off. “Panda” by Desiigner is now blasting in every panda pen, and speak­ers are being installed in Bamboo forests around China. Researchers and panda experts who have been monitoring the panda’s behavior since the release of the song have stated that the song, “Panda” has done wonders for the panda com­munity and their sex lives. It increases their horn­iness by tenfold and, for some unexplainable rea­son, it seems to ignite a desire for them to mate.

Doctors caution that the song be played no more than five times a day, for listening to the song for too long may cause the species to act out of the ordinary. A doctor who preferred to stay anonymous stated that the song originally intend­ed for the panda species have made its way to the top of the human music charts. He observed that when humans listened to the song “Panda” for too long (or too frequently) they began behav­ing worriedly, performing odd and out-of-place actions such as “dabbing” in public and mum­bling along the incomprehensible lyrics of the song (although, to be fair, the lyrics are difficult to understand because they were not meant for human ears).

Doctors and scientists believe that this is due to the fact that the song was specifically made for pandas only, and the sound waves produced in the song do not adhere well to the human ear. No concrete evidence has been collected because every human test subject began dabbing uncon­trollably after only the second listen of the song.

With the rise of the panda population, conser­vation efforts have turned to focus on the decline of the gorilla population. Gorillas have under­gone a steep decline in motivation and morale ever since the death of Harambe (Rest In Peace, Harambe). However, conservationists are opti­mistic that with the same efforts used to increase the panda population we can save the gorillas too.

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