College junior tries to be a well-adjusted student, gives up immediately

This is the third first week of college I’ve had so far and, though I still haven’t learned anything about being a successful student, I have learned about my own limits. Turns out that I have a plethora of limits and a dearth of motivation. Since I am an expert at procrastination and apathy at this point, I have successfully predicted how long each semester goal will last. This task is infinitely more difficult than performing basic tasks, so I’m one step ahead of the game.

Prediction: I will try to make new friends in my classes UNTIL the very first day.

Reality: Monday, Aug. 29, 4:50 p.m. – I went into each of my classes, didn’t say one word and left without bothering to make eye contact with anyone. This is not my fault; I do know most of the people in my classes already. They are all just super annoying.

Prediction: I will do my homework early and enjoy the weekend without worrying UNTIL the first Friday.

Reality: Friday, Sept. 2, 2:03 p.m. – I sat down at my desk with my philosophy book, ready to speed read that sucker until receiving a “deece?” text. While waiting for said text, I kept going on my phone and I eventually watched those vid­eos where people apply 100 layers of something to somewhere. Naturally I decided to make a video myself and subsequently ended up spend­ing the whole day in bed applying 57 layers of nail polish on my toes. And let me tell you, once I did get that “deece?” text, it was hard putting on my shoes and walking over there with all that nail polish on my toes. Look up my vid on YouTube (“Girl Applies Less Than 100 Layers of Nail Polish on her Toes”), rate and subscribe!

Prediction: I will do all of the readings for ev­ery class and not skim them UNTIL the second Tuesday.

Reality: Wednesday, Sept. 7, 1:25 a.m. – After spending an inordinate amount of time figuring out my first anthro reading, I decided to give myself a break before starting the next one. This break lasted for an hour and a half longer than I had anticipated, and I looked up from my solitaire game to find that it was past 12 a.m. Scrambling to finish the reading before 1:30 a.m., I didn’t absorb a damn word. I was like an old ShamWow that lost its ability to hold 20 times its weight in liquid. This goal technically made it past Tuesday into Wednesday, but I hadn’t gone to sleep yet, making it still Tuesday in my brain, so there.

Prediction: I will go to a party and not leave instantaneously UNTIL the second Saturday.

Reality: Saturday, Sept. 10, 10:40 p.m. – Ready to go out and “have fun” and “be happy” at some random TH party, I arrived in a forgettable fash­ion. However, nature called and I thanked her for letting me hide in the bathroom. When I left the bathroom, I looked around me at all the sweating bodies pressed up against one another. Without a second thought I walked out of that party, went back to my room and fell asleep while watching “Frasier.” I stayed at the party a total of four minutes.

Prediction: I will under no circumstances do homework in bed UNTIL the second Sunday.

Reality: Sunday, September 11, 8:43 p.m. – I spent all fracking day in the library, sitting in an uncomfortable chair with subpar posture, yet I still did not finish all my fracking homework. After spending an additional 45 minutes also sitting up in the deece, I was ready to collapse. I started crying of relief when I finally laid (lied? Who will ever know the truth) down on my bed, but I still had to do my econ. When I hand in my homework tomorrow, sure there will be tear stains, but I never gave up! And I will deserve the B- I get!

I have some goals left over that I haven’t giv­en up on yet, but I know they will be gone soon. I will only have one plate of deece fries a week until I decide to get them on Monday, Sept. 12 and Wednesday, Sept. 14, though in defense of my future-self, I earned both those plates. On Thursday, Sept. 15, I will give up on my goal of only watching one episode of “Dance Moms” between readings because you can never really just watch one episode of “Dance Moms” at a time. Why bother making goals if you know that you’re just going to give them all up within the first two weeks, Lily? “Seems pathetic,” you say. Well I will counter your question with another question: “Why bother reading this whole arti­cle at all? Who is the real pathetic one? I’m not the one reading a Misc Humor article!”

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