When men aren’t sketchy as hell, Tinder makes sparks fly

How Women Approach A First Tinder Date

1) Get his last name.

I need to make sure beforehand that he’s not like, my third cousin or something…and that he doesn’t have any outstanding warrants for his ar­rest in any of the 50 states.

2) Look him up online

Time to put my liberal-arts college research skills to work and look him up. I’m talking Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, MySpace, Ask Jeeves! That way I can learn a couple of things about him and have some talking points before the date. Plus, an active social life and friends are usually good indicators that he’s not a serial kill­er—most of the time.

3) Pick a place to meet up

Hmm, since it’s the first date I really should err more on the casual side. You know, some­place that’s not going to break the bank. Like a nice coffee shop or small café. Yeah, a coffee shop sounds good! It’s nice and cozy…and pub­lic…with a lot of potential witnesses…

4) Do some recon

You know what? I should just go scope this place out really quick. That way I can see what’s good on the menu, know which meals to suggest and nail down the quickest escape routes.

5) Put together an outfit

Okay, so wearing the perfect outfit is the foun­dation of a successful first date. I need to em­body an effortless combination of comfortable, casual and sexy. I need an outfit that says, “I’m chill, I can have fun and I can totally outrun you if necessary, so don’t even try anything.” Maybe I should just wear some Nike shorts and some sneakers?

6) Show his picture to friends and family

While my taste in men is usually impeccable, it’s always nice to get a second opinion! And it’s not every day that yours truly gets to brag about being wined and dined. You know what? I’m go­ing to send his picture to my mom, my neigh­bor and that nice old man who delivers my mail. While I’m at it, I’ll send a nice picture of myself too. That way I can make sure that the selfie with the best lighting ends up on my wanted posters!

7) Bring some protection

I should have one of my friends hover near­by just in case things start to get a little sketchy. There’s just something so comforting about knowing she’s just a couple of booths over, sip­ping on a chai latte, switchblade at the ready.

8) Stay on social media during the date.

During the date I need to remember to post some cute photos on Insta and live tweet the whole thing so that people know how much fun we’re having…and that I’m still alive.

9) Bring your own flask.

Drinks are so expensive nowadays. It’s smart­er if I just keep a little flask in my purse. Besides, I’m so picky about how I like my cocktails. I like my martinis stirred. Hold the ice and rohypnol.

How Men Approach A First Tinder Date

1) Look her up online

Can’t be too careful, right? Gotta make sure she’s within a 10-pound margin of her current profile picture.

2) Pick a place to meet up

Nothing too pricey. I’m not spending girl­friend money on a one-night stand.

3) Do some recon

It would probably help if I checked this place out first. Gotta see which bathroom stalls are the cleanest … You know, just in case an impromptu hookup opportunity should present itself.

5) Stay on social media during the date

Is it rude to be on Tinder while I’m on a date with a girl from Tinder?

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