The Miscellany News

America has been rocked by a scandal un­rivaled in magnitude since Watergate. In the midst of this heated election season, anoth­er unrelated controversy has recently been at the forefront of everyone’s minds. You guessed it, the Obama girl is at it again.

Shocking images have emerged from the in­ternet exposing a lifestyle so unwholesome, so vile, it can only be described as un-American. A string of troublesome events has caused the media to conduct a full investigation regard­ing the actions and whereabouts of 18-year-old Malia Obama. Beginning in July, a pattern of unruly behavior was noticed by experts and has rightly prompted concern amongst media outlets and elderly citizens alike.

The images that have since surfaced have stunned the nation, leaving people horrified and speechless. But don’t worry, the media out­lets have plenty to say about the matter. And they are well within their rights, of course, as the First Amendment explicitly protects the right to speculate on important matters such as this. It has been widely reported that the First Daughter was seen frolicking at a music festi­val by the name of “Lollapalooza” in Chicago. Although her motives are still unclear at this time, it appears that she was “having a good time” with her “friends.” However, we must say, an environment filled with flower crowns, live­ly music and crop-tops seems hardly the right place for the First Daughter to be spending her time. It seems highly unlikely that a respectable teenage girl would enjoy taking part in these types of activities, but we are not here to judge.

Exclusive footage has been obtained of Ms. Obama at the event, gyrating her hips in time with the music in the company of her friends. On a more disturbing note, photographic evi­dence suggests that Malia also smoked an un­identified substance at the music festival. Some experts speculate that the substance in ques­tion could be marijuana, commonly referred to on the streets as the “devil’s lettuce” (for its sa­tanic qualities, I assume). The footage was ob­tained by novice videographers via Snapchat, a social media platform intended for the sharing of memories amongst friends. Quite a memory indeed!

Thankfully, Malia has stepped up and tak­en responsibility for her actions. Recently she was seen sporting a t-shirt emblazoned with the words “Smoking Kills” across the front, sending a clear message to America that she is deeply ashamed of her behavior and has in­formed herself of the detrimental ramifications of her actions.

Responses to these unfortunate events have been varied and widespread outrage has been vocalized by people who only want the best for Malia. The leading psychologists of the nation are baffled by this pattern of behavior which is not usually associated with other indi­viduals within the same age-group. Research­ers throughout America are scrambling for an explanation for this unprecedented display of hedonism. Parents throughout the nation are expressing concern and adamantly protest that their own children would never take part in such deplorable behavior.

As a concerned citizen, I firmly believe that our number one priority right now as a nation should be ensuring that Ms. Obama does not get herself into more mischief. Obviously, the overbearing presence of the Secret Service was not enough to curtail this behavior, so we must take matters into our own hands.

Thankfully, Malia Obama is now under the constant vigilance and scrutiny of the public eye. We should express gratitude to Malia’s friends, who have without fail, let the entire nation know about the intimate details of her personal life.

Malia Obama is reportedly taking a gap year and will be attending Harvard University next fall. Hopefully, she puts an end to her down­ward spiral in time for classes. Such behavior has no place at an institution dedicated primar­ily to the education and development of young adults.

Barack Obama has declined to comment on this story.