This week, students began to notice a new hidden treasure of Vassar College. By engaging in one of the many things college students do best, eating, Brewers have come to appreciate, and almost worship, the Deece…doors.
You heard me right, the doors that frame the majestic Deece are the new Vassar hip phenomena. “After the first moment I struggled with the doors at the Deece, I knew I had discovered something special, something unique. I cannot wait to apply to Vassar this fall,” commented prospective student Alex Hoaglin.
The doors, freshly equipped for the new school year, now have the special feature of not opening. This revolutionary technology forces students to struggle in anguish as they tug violently against the doors, which for some reason are always locked. Usually only one is left unlocked, leading students on an excruciating quest which has resulted in numerous reports of broken nails, sweaty palms and fallen VCards.
Locked doors, what initially seems to be a way to prevent students from burning through their meal swipes on the gourmet cuisine served at the Deece, or a way to quickly spread meningococcal disease, has actually been discovered to hold a valuable purpose. “We actually installed the Deece doors as a human experiment,” commented Professor of Anthropology Jamie Harington. “The Anthropology Department and the Dean of Students teamed up to figure out ways we could get students to show more emotion.”
The initiative in question, known as the ACDAABDI (Anti-Cellular Device Awareness Action Body Department Initiative) kicked off during the first week of classes. Many students, however, are unaware of the study. According to VSA President Calvin Lamothe, “I sent 32 separate emails about the initiative, but they might have gotten lost in the other 562 I sent since Convocation,” he admits.
“What we are trying to study,” notes Professor Harington, “is what kinds of stimuli cause students to have outrageous and uncontrollable outbursts. What professors are finding in classes is that the technological age is causing students to show only subdued emotions, or in some extreme cases, lack emotional capability at all.”
The Vassar study comes as response to the USDA (United Students Department of Apathy) releasing a report stating that 42.0 percent of liberal arts college students are either “partially or completely dead inside.” The Deece-door experiment has turned out to be a huge success. We have encountered an average of 1,297 outbursts a day,” notes Professor Harington. “We have also learned of innovative techniques in doorknob-handling skills.”
Despite this riveting scientific study, students have begun to express their views on being unknowingly surveyed in their darkest hour: when they are hangry. “If I was being made to embarrass myself without being spied on, I wouldn’t have a problem,” complains first year Kelly Noecker. “Unfortunately the government, I mean administration, is breaching my rights as an American citizen…” Kelly’s all-too relevant comments were unfortunately too long to included in this article.
Other students however are finding the inconveniently cemented-in-place hinged portals to be a quite fitting addition to the building. “It kind of goes along with the whole theme of the Deece,” reports long-time Deece patron junior Harper Taniguchi. “They basically have the motto ‘disappointing service, disappointing food and now disappointing doors.’”
Former Vassar President Cappy Hill also had the opportunity to share her views on the project. “I am very impressed with the teachers’ motivation to learn from the students. I do not know from whom they adopted this technique, because I made it my president mission to ignore students’ demands to divest endowment funds from fossil fuel companies. I’m glad administration has found an even more demanding issue to occupy their time.”