The last few weeks have been very stressful and trying times at Vassar. Not because freshmen are just now getting a sense of what it’s like to balance collegiate classes, extracurriculars, a sleep schedule and be away from home, or whatever. Seriously my dudes, stop making everything about yourselves. Quit whining and go FaceTime your dog or something, because I don’t want to hear it. (@my fellowees, if y’all are reading this … Just kidding.) No, the last few weeks have been harsh and anxiety-inducing for one reason and one reason only: Late Night at the Kiosk, or the cafe formerly known as UpC, has not yet been opened. And, to make matters worse, in a Facebook post, an employee of the Kiosk said it would remain unopened until they could hire enough workers. Many students, including myself, went into a panic at the thought of no more late-night smoothies or supremely long lines which doubled as an excuse to procrastinate on homework. I was so concerned about this matter that I even decided to write my humor article this week on the extremes I would go to get UpC up and running once more.
In my sad desperation, I didn’t consider that I may have been overreacting about $15 milkshakes. For, sure enough, yesterday the news was announced that UpC had gathered enough employees to start working again soon. Everyone on campus drew a collective sigh of relief. Except me, because even though now I would be able to fill myself with sugary snacks at midnight every school night, my article idea was out the window. But, because I was too lazy to come up with any other ideas, I’ve made the executive decision (I can do that as Humor and Satire editor) to inform you of what I would have done to get Late Night at the Kiosk back. So here we go:
Sure, if I were to pay a large sum of money to get UpC back on its feet, I then wouldn’t actually have the money to buy any food there. But you know what, Vassar? I’m a giver. I’m a very generous person. (Ask my sexual partners, ayo.) I would be willing to sacrifice my ability to wait in line for an hour for a regular chocolate milkshake so all of you could do that. Out of the goodness of my heart. The only thing hindering this solid plan is that I would probably have to ask my mom, because even though I am an 18-year-old adult woman, she runs my bank account. (Thanks, Mom!) And she would probably be against my investment in a student-run cafe that lists a snack option as “a whole fruit.” On the other hand, I have about $7.00 in VCash left…
Everyone is always saying that activism is lacking on this campus, but I’ve seen a bunch of protests on this campus and it looks simple enough. All I would have to do is handcuff myself to the Kiosk, make a sign that says something like “Open UpC or I’ll lie here all night and day without food…until I get hungry and order Bacio’s,” and hope that catches someone’s attention. Going to the bathroom might be a bit of an issue, but odds are I won’t actually be protesting for more than five minutes so I’m not all that worried about it.
Ironic as it is, I would definitely sell my body for a YoPiMP smoothie. What? Where’s my dignity, you ask? Well, I counter with this: think about how empowering it would be for me to suck a dick so that the entirety of campus could feverishly use up their meal swipes buying chicken nuggets at the end of the semester. (Remember what I said about being a generous lover?) Plus, I once took an online quiz that said I was worth 10 goats, so this would be a definite step up. And if you think about it, giving sexual favors to keep the Kiosk open does make some sense. This is the Ivy League Whorehouse, after all.
Kidnap the UpC guy, Patrick
This one might be a little hard to pull off because I am smol™. But at the same time, it might not be that difficult to achieve. I could just go visit him at the Deece and be like, “Hey Patrick, let’s go somewhere that’s literally anywhere else but here!” And he would probably be like, “Sure!” Considering it’s the Deece and all. And then I would kidnap him. Obviously then in my ransom I would ask for the Kiosk to be open again, because why else would I kidnap Patrick? He seems like a chill dude.