Until reopening, Late Night at the Kiosk mourned on melodramatic scale

The last few weeks have been very stress­ful and trying times at Vassar. Not be­cause freshmen are just now getting a sense of what it’s like to balance collegiate classes, extracurriculars, a sleep schedule and be away from home, or whatever. Seriously my dudes, stop making everything about your­selves. Quit whining and go FaceTime your dog or something, because I don’t want to hear it. (@my fellowees, if y’all are reading this … Just kidding.) No, the last few weeks have been harsh and anxiety-inducing for one reason and one reason only: Late Night at the Kiosk, or the cafe formerly known as UpC, has not yet been opened. And, to make mat­ters worse, in a Facebook post, an employee of the Kiosk said it would remain unopened until they could hire enough workers. Many students, including myself, went into a panic at the thought of no more late-night smooth­ies or supremely long lines which doubled as an excuse to procrastinate on homework. I was so concerned about this matter that I even decided to write my humor article this week on the extremes I would go to get UpC up and running once more.

In my sad desperation, I didn’t consider that I may have been overreacting about $15 milkshakes. For, sure enough, yesterday the news was announced that UpC had gathered enough employees to start working again soon. Everyone on campus drew a collective sigh of relief. Except me, because even though now I would be able to fill myself with sugary snacks at midnight every school night, my ar­ticle idea was out the window. But, because I was too lazy to come up with any other ideas, I’ve made the executive decision (I can do that as Humor and Satire editor) to inform you of what I would have done to get Late Night at the Kiosk back. So here we go:

Money

Sure, if I were to pay a large sum of money to get UpC back on its feet, I then wouldn’t actually have the money to buy any food there. But you know what, Vassar? I’m a giver. I’m a very generous person. (Ask my sexual partners, ayo.) I would be willing to sacrifice my ability to wait in line for an hour for a reg­ular chocolate milkshake so all of you could do that. Out of the goodness of my heart. The only thing hindering this solid plan is that I would probably have to ask my mom, be­cause even though I am an 18-year-old adult woman, she runs my bank account. (Thanks, Mom!) And she would probably be against my investment in a student-run cafe that lists a snack option as “a whole fruit.” On the oth­er hand, I have about $7.00 in VCash left…

One-Woman Protest

Everyone is always saying that activism is lacking on this campus, but I’ve seen a bunch of protests on this campus and it looks simple enough. All I would have to do is handcuff myself to the Kiosk, make a sign that says something like “Open UpC or I’ll lie here all night and day without food…until I get hun­gry and order Bacio’s,” and hope that catches someone’s attention. Going to the bathroom might be a bit of an issue, but odds are I won’t actually be protesting for more than five min­utes so I’m not all that worried about it.

Sexual Favors

Ironic as it is, I would definitely sell my body for a YoPiMP smoothie. What? Where’s my dignity, you ask? Well, I counter with this: think about how empowering it would be for me to suck a dick so that the entirety of cam­pus could feverishly use up their meal swipes buying chicken nuggets at the end of the se­mester. (Remember what I said about being a generous lover?) Plus, I once took an online quiz that said I was worth 10 goats, so this would be a definite step up. And if you think about it, giving sexual favors to keep the Ki­osk open does make some sense. This is the Ivy League Whorehouse, after all.

Kidnap the UpC guy, Patrick

This one might be a little hard to pull off because I am smol™. But at the same time, it might not be that difficult to achieve. I could just go visit him at the Deece and be like, “Hey Patrick, let’s go somewhere that’s liter­ally anywhere else but here!” And he would probably be like, “Sure!” Considering it’s the Deece and all. And then I would kidnap him. Obviously then in my ransom I would ask for the Kiosk to be open again, because why else would I kidnap Patrick? He seems like a chill dude.

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