BREAKING NEWS: Love is dead. That’s right, my dedicated Misc readers (Mom and Dad), the split of Brangelina on Sept. 21, 2016 marks the end of love for everyone everywhere. The couple that was once the shining beacon upon the daunting seas of Realistic Romance has gone to sleep with the fishes. If Brangelina can’t make it, then we might as well all just give up. I can honestly say without exaggeration or hyperbole that we are now doomed to long, painful and lonely deaths.
Many may point out that there are some last vestiges of love left in Hollywood. This is just the result of a lack of foresight from some ignorant, non-People readers. Brangelina is only the first domino in the effect that is the crumbling of our Hollywood Power Couple (HPC) culture. After Brangelina, Wada is going to crumble to our feet. Their children, Jaden and Willow, will manufacture multiple tweets that will prove to be both confusing and tear-jerking. Will Smith will go down a dark path that will lead up to him being caught scarfing down chicken fingers at a bowling alley in Arkansas. Jada Pinkett-no-longer-Smith will bounce back with her own fragrance for women of divorce called Prenup.
The next couple to split after that will be Mary-Olivier. Despite their huge age difference, many thought that the couple would make it work. This reporter begs to differ. I judge them not because of their age difference. I don’t care about that. Nor do I care that she is a pure American fashion designer while he is a grimy French banker. The real problem with them is their couple name. There is no way a couple with such a half-assed portmanteau could make it in the modern age of love. Granted, I came up with the name, but it’s only because I have so little faith in this couple.
The most surprising divorce after Mary-Olivier will be Porllen. How can such a funny woman (Portia) and such a pretty woman (Ellen) not make it work, you ask? Portia will want to name their new dog Scrappy but Ellen will let her viewers name the dog; they will choose the name Harambe. After that, Portia will call the meme racist and Ellen will evict her. They will divide up their assets evenly, and Portia’s divorce party will be the red carpet event of 2018.
Finally, after 35 years of marriage, Drhea will be the last HPC to leave us for good. The “It’s Always Sunny” actor and “Cheers” actress will be torn apart by his jealousy over her fling with Kelsey Grammer during their brief separation in 2012. Rhea Perlman will get half of the “Matilda” royalties in the divorce, while Danny Devito will acquire the rights to write a memoir of their relationship. Are we too young to know who these two are? I don’t think so. Part of celebrity literacy is knowing your history; it’s just like academic history except a lot less important and a lot more fun.
There will be many HPCs that will break up, but the only one that will survive is going to be, of course, Kimye. Their legacy will continue because their media empire is actually killing off all other HPCs in order to absorb their energy into themselves, similar to how Keith Richards has been killing off young musicians for decades in order to keep up his unsustainable lifestyle. Kimye will never break up, but unfortunately both will die of a Romeo and Juliet-esque mixup that involves all their cell phones dying at the same time. It’s true, my psychic told me. And she predicted the rise of the Scrub Daddy, so I don’t fuck with her.
Once all the HPCs are gone, how will we govern ourselves? How will we be able to survive in a world where notable people can’t make love work for the cameras? If we aren’t able to have performative love, then what is the point of having love at all? These are some of the questions I will be addressing in my Children of (Brangelina’s) Divorce meeting, on Thursday at 9 in the attic of Chicago Hall. Please bring your favorite Brangelina headline from any issue of People. Anyone who mentions Jennifer Aniston will be escorted off the premises, this is not about her.