“Vassar is sick!” everyone ironically exclaims, mid-sneeze

By Samana Srestha

I have started a diary to document the sick­ness that has encompassed the majority of the school recently. I am writing this in the hopes that the vital information I share in my account of the infamous “Vassar Plague” can provide students and administration with the tools nec­essary to reduce the casualties that have been inflicted thus far. I also write because in the off chance that I receive the plague myself, I need something to be remembered by. This will be my legacy.

Day 1

An infectious virus has gone rampant, plagu­ing scores of students and faculty and womp womps and creatures. The cause of this virus has not yet been identified. Some have blamed the Deece for their sickness, others have ac­cused the Biology and Chemistry Departments for releasing potentially hazardous toxins into the Vassar bubble. Whatever the case, the virus is currently uncontained. Students and faculty have been left to their own devices, and admin­istration seems rather unaffected by this new strain of sickness—which, in my opinion, is highly suspect. It is only Day 1 since symptoms of the sickness have become prevalent, and people have quarantined themselves in their rooms. Walking to class, I see considerably fewer faces, and the ones I do see are grayed and tired. (Plus the people I am seeing aren’t the ones I want to be seeing … If only the Vas­sar Plague would affect my enemies and not my friends.) Their eyes sagging under the weight of their impending sickness, their steps lacking the gait that was once present. In anticipation of the plague, I have stocked up on Advil, Ty­lenol, Cough drops, hand sanitizers, Green tea and a renewal of my Netflix subscription.

Day 2

Half the students were absent from my phi­losophy and political science classes today. That’s not that uncommon actually, they’re pretty boring. But students were also scarce from my English class, which isn’t a good sign. The professors have also started to look ill. Coughs and sneezes and runny noses can be heard throughout campus. I have taken extra precaution by purchasing a gas mask from Am­azon. It should be here in two days—but will it be too late by then? I have been popping Air­borne pills and taking shots of OJ like there’s no tomorrow—and honestly, at this rate, there might not be a tomorrow! (If anyone has any good suggestions of lawyers to help me com­pose my last will and testament, hmu.) Peers have accused me of being overdramatic, but I think the virus has made them all delusional. I can only hope that I can maintain my sanity in such trying times.

Day 3

Today, I uttered a single cough. Things are not looking well for me. I will continue to ob­serve and report my symptoms. In the mean­time I shall be googling the nearest church, synagogue, mosque, temple and satanic altar so I can go, pray and prepare for what is about to happen to me.

Day 4

I AM INFECTED. The Vassar Plague has struck me. I feel like I’m in the movie “Con­tagion.” In all honesty I’ve never actually seen that movie, but I think it has something to do with pandemic? Anyway, that’s one of the only glamorous parts about being ill. There are far more disgusting things. For example, I woke with a runny nose and I now have a quickly de­pleting supply of tissues. My throat has begun to feel raw and sore. Many other students have cited this common symptom. Soon to follow is the terrible fever and lack of energy. The future does not look good for me. On the bright side, my sore throat has given me the voice of an older Scarlett Johansson with a terrible smok­ing addiction. It’s pretty hot, actually.

Day 5

I have just woken from a 14-hour nap—it was great. (I’ve attempted to take a nap of that dura­tion before, but failed miserably. I only was able to clock in at 7.5 hours.) Let the records show that I am currently sitting on my bed, curled in my blanket like a lil’ burrito. Being affect­ed by the sickness have given me a rare, first-hand glimpse into the symptoms of this elusive and enigmatic disease. My energy levels have quickly dropped. I was not able to make any of my classes. I turned to Baldwin for help, but alas, they were no use. First, they asked me if I needed to go to the emergency room. Which I did not. So they made me schedule an appoint­ment for next month. I came in because that was ridiculous. In retaliation, they subjected me to various pregnancy tests, despite my in­sistence that I have received no action in the weeks leading up to my ailment. Additionally, my symptoms have worsened severely, and I no longer sound like Scarlett Johansson with a smoking problem. My sore throat has devel­oped and my voice now sounds like an angry Bernie Sanders. It is embarrassing to speak.

Day 6

I think I have suffered the worst of the plague. I feel considerably better today. (Al­though I’ll most likely stay bed for the rest of the week, in case The Plague strikes again… and for safety of course…not because I’m lazy or anything…) My voice has returned to normal and I am no longer coughing my organs out. It turns out, the Vassar Plague was simply a cold. Nothing special or life-threatening. Students need not fear the plague. In fact, we should all welcome it. Bedrest has allowed me to catch up on both “The Office” and “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Thank you, Vassar Plague, for a needed rest!

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