Now that a bunch of you have been written up for rules that were never properly explained, we would like clarify the party rules so those of you know the full extent of your sins and can properly repent.
There can only be one (1, I) host for a registered party, and only three (3, III) people can pretend to be the host.
Only 25 of the turntest people will be allowed entry into registered parties. Bouncers will breathalyze all students at the door, and then let in the people with the highest BAC.
Only Natty Lite or Franzia will be permitted at registered parties. After all, tuition costs a mint as is.
There can only be nine registered parties on campus, and we want to stress that this number is the result of collaboration with mathematicians and party experts. It certainly is not arbitrary.
This rule is not a change from previous policy, but more of a reminder that fun is still not allowed at registered parties.
Though these rules may already seem Crystal Palace clear, we know students often need the simplest concepts explained to them, so we’ll give it a shot. The main reason behind the policy is Vassar’s dedication to preventing fires on our campus. Some of you may not be aware, but Vassar proudly boasts a Smoke Free policy, and every year, students move their upholstered furniture and flammable items into their closets when the dorms are inspected for fire safety. The party rules are the next abstract step in this plan. Limiting parties to 25 people will greatly reduce the amount of static electricity generated within the party. Combining this with removing flammable hard alcohols from parties will prevent blazes like you wouldn’t believe. As we move forward, Administration is open to ignoring student input about these policy changes.
Dean of Students
Re: Party Registration Policy and Practices
Dearest Dean of Students,
Those of us within Vassar’s Mathematics and Statistics Department would like to respond to your numerical limits. According to our calculations, the wildest policy-abiding night on Vassar’s campus would consist of 225 total students partying, which represents roughly nine percent of the student body. Yes, us Math scholars are aware that sometimes we brainiacs get left out of the collective ethanol-soaked TH’s and TA’s, but at this rate, the already repetitive party culture will become such an elitist system, Bernie will be making his speech about that nine percent and how we need to rise up, and turn up.
Vassar Math Department
We at The Miscellany News are moderately upset about the new party rules, but will stretch our opinion to a thousand words. Though we agree with the policy on preventing insufficiently lit students from entering registered parties, we believe that administration should be more transparent about the waitlist policy. Our suggestion is that the bouncers should keep the entry waitlist and corresponding BACs on an LED scoreboard that updates in real time. This way, all students seeking to enter the party can calculate how much more they should drink to enter, which would afford every student the equal opportunity to vomit.
If there is any group of people that rely on partying for stress relief, it is the staff of The Miscellany News. Although our Editorial Board would be able to fit under the 25-person limit, if we invited our numerous photographers, writers and people too timid to ask to leave our email list, it would certainly exceed that limit. Plus no hard liquor would ruin our perennial favorite, “Take a shot for every comment from an angry alum.” While we understand that parties are not for fun and serve solely a functional purpose for common students and editors alike, we must warn that these heinous restrictions will only promote unregistered parties.
The Miscellany News Staff Editorial Represents 2/3 of the opinions of the Editorial Board, the remaining 1/3 is not suitable for printing.
Hello to all,
I am sincerely excited to find my inbox impregnated with responses that were as cute as Ollie. I intend to pat them on the head, put them on a leash, and take them on a little walk before remembering that my ideas are far above them. Besides, how could I possibly take seriously The Misc or the Math Department when their logos are nowhere near as illustrious or aesthetically appealing as my own personal crest.
One thing I would like to posit is that we are doubtless aware that increasing party restrictions is not only a fun way for us to reduce fun on campus, but also a way to spice up the student conduct system. These unrealistic limits and restrictions, combined with our delayed announcement of them, will doubtless lead to more students going through the conduct system, and getting to meet with me, and this will help me confront the existential realities that nothing in life matters and we are all alone.
At this point I would like to formally close conversations about the party rules with students until they are meeting with me for a student conduct meeting.
Anders van Minter
Supreme Ruler of Residential Life