Student takes midterm angst out on leaves and pumpkins

Tis’ the season to bust out our cable-knit corduroy, flannel and tweed. After the infernal heat of summer, we are rewarded with the transitory period of fall. It seems like all everyone talks about how excited they are to showcase the autumn wardrobe they spent hundreds of dollars on. The campus essentially transforms itself into an autumn runway of vintage denim jackets and com­fortable sweaters. Does the excitement that surrounds autumn revolve around the fact that it is the transitory season between two even worse forms of hell?

We are destroyed and begging for cold by the end of August, and by November, we are huddled in a blanket, refusing to move be­cause the chill of winter follows us all. The hype that surrounds autumn is very real but does it have any basis?

1: Colorful Greenery

You know it’s autumn when your insta­gram feed becomes littered with photos of or­ange, yellow and red foliage. Autumn seems to be the only season in which people are ac­tually excited about the color orange. Indeed, crispy leaves and the slow but beautiful decay of nature is very aesthetically pleasing—so aesthetically pleasing that people often don’t realize that the turning of the leaves signify the fact that the leaves are unable to provide for themselves and are slowly rotting away and dying. Next time you see an orange leaf on the pavement, I implore you to think about its lifespan and have some respect for the dy­ing. After that, feel free to instagram that shit.

  1. Apple Picking

This is a crucial component of autumn. It’s the best time to showcase that new and over­priced sweater you just bought while collect­ing fruits. Cider donuts, apple cider, apple pie, apples galore! It’s great! Right? Wrong. When did menial labor and fruit picking ever appeal to you? You don’t even have the energy to get out of bed, and now you think you want to trek through nature picking fruits infected by god-knows-what critters and worms have tainted it? Yes, I am smiling in that picture of me eating an apple, but I am also freezing and I don’t even like apples.

  1. Warm Drinks

Picture this: the leaves are falling outside, a slight breeze enters your room and you are huddled in your soft blanket, hands clasped around a warm cup of hot cocoa as you re­watch the entirety of “Parks and Recreation.” Sounds like a dream. Unfortunately, this is not the reality of the situation. In actuality, you will not be watching “Parks and Recre­ation” because fall season is also midterms season. That pleasant breeze is actually a vio­lent gush of wind that causes all your papers to scatter and fly uncontrollably around the room. As you struggle to maintain control of your surroundings, you spill that scalding hot drink all over yourself. Fortunately, the weather cools the hot drink that has just got­ten on your favorite sweater. Unfortunately, it was a white cashmere sweater and now you have an unflattering brown stain on it. You are now a damp mess, and you smell of some pumpkin-laden drink.

  1. Election Season

I don’t even need to elaborate on this.

  1. Thanksgiving

Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, potato sal­ad? Hell yeah! I love Thanksgiving! Food, family and good vibes all around. After the hell of midterms, the long weekend feels like salvation. Maybe if I eat enough slices of Aunt Barbara’s amazing apple crumble, I will be able to drift off into a food coma and ig­nore the fact that Thanksgiving is essentially a celebration of the massacre of indigenous people. Maybe a few more scoops of that po­tato salad will help me tolerate Uncle Noah’s racist remarks and monologue on why he is voting for Trump.

  1. Daylight Savings Time

No one really knows how Daylight Savings Time works. All we know is that we get an extra hour of sleep, so there’s no reason to complain. But that extra hour does not ac­count for the fact that the sun sets several hours earlier. It is disconcerting to walk into class at 3 p.m. with the sun still out, and walk out at 5 p.m. only to be welcomed by darkness and cold.

There you go. The myth and fantasy of fall completely debunked. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t enjoy autumn. Frolick in all the dying leaves you want! Drink all the pumpkin infused, apple-cider lattes! In a few weeks, the winter chill will cause us to revert back into hibernation anyway.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *