Tis’ the season to bust out our cable-knit corduroy, flannel and tweed. After the infernal heat of summer, we are rewarded with the transitory period of fall. It seems like all everyone talks about how excited they are to showcase the autumn wardrobe they spent hundreds of dollars on. The campus essentially transforms itself into an autumn runway of vintage denim jackets and comfortable sweaters. Does the excitement that surrounds autumn revolve around the fact that it is the transitory season between two even worse forms of hell?
We are destroyed and begging for cold by the end of August, and by November, we are huddled in a blanket, refusing to move because the chill of winter follows us all. The hype that surrounds autumn is very real but does it have any basis?
1: Colorful Greenery
You know it’s autumn when your instagram feed becomes littered with photos of orange, yellow and red foliage. Autumn seems to be the only season in which people are actually excited about the color orange. Indeed, crispy leaves and the slow but beautiful decay of nature is very aesthetically pleasing—so aesthetically pleasing that people often don’t realize that the turning of the leaves signify the fact that the leaves are unable to provide for themselves and are slowly rotting away and dying. Next time you see an orange leaf on the pavement, I implore you to think about its lifespan and have some respect for the dying. After that, feel free to instagram that shit.
- Apple Picking
This is a crucial component of autumn. It’s the best time to showcase that new and overpriced sweater you just bought while collecting fruits. Cider donuts, apple cider, apple pie, apples galore! It’s great! Right? Wrong. When did menial labor and fruit picking ever appeal to you? You don’t even have the energy to get out of bed, and now you think you want to trek through nature picking fruits infected by god-knows-what critters and worms have tainted it? Yes, I am smiling in that picture of me eating an apple, but I am also freezing and I don’t even like apples.
- Warm Drinks
Picture this: the leaves are falling outside, a slight breeze enters your room and you are huddled in your soft blanket, hands clasped around a warm cup of hot cocoa as you rewatch the entirety of “Parks and Recreation.” Sounds like a dream. Unfortunately, this is not the reality of the situation. In actuality, you will not be watching “Parks and Recreation” because fall season is also midterms season. That pleasant breeze is actually a violent gush of wind that causes all your papers to scatter and fly uncontrollably around the room. As you struggle to maintain control of your surroundings, you spill that scalding hot drink all over yourself. Fortunately, the weather cools the hot drink that has just gotten on your favorite sweater. Unfortunately, it was a white cashmere sweater and now you have an unflattering brown stain on it. You are now a damp mess, and you smell of some pumpkin-laden drink.
- Election Season
I don’t even need to elaborate on this.
- Thanksgiving
Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, potato salad? Hell yeah! I love Thanksgiving! Food, family and good vibes all around. After the hell of midterms, the long weekend feels like salvation. Maybe if I eat enough slices of Aunt Barbara’s amazing apple crumble, I will be able to drift off into a food coma and ignore the fact that Thanksgiving is essentially a celebration of the massacre of indigenous people. Maybe a few more scoops of that potato salad will help me tolerate Uncle Noah’s racist remarks and monologue on why he is voting for Trump.
- Daylight Savings Time
No one really knows how Daylight Savings Time works. All we know is that we get an extra hour of sleep, so there’s no reason to complain. But that extra hour does not account for the fact that the sun sets several hours earlier. It is disconcerting to walk into class at 3 p.m. with the sun still out, and walk out at 5 p.m. only to be welcomed by darkness and cold.
There you go. The myth and fantasy of fall completely debunked. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t enjoy autumn. Frolick in all the dying leaves you want! Drink all the pumpkin infused, apple-cider lattes! In a few weeks, the winter chill will cause us to revert back into hibernation anyway.
