In this edition, we take on cover letters and resumes. Leveraging the experience and words of our amazingly qualified Republican and Democratic candidates in their bids for the presidency, we demonstrate how each format highlights your unique accomplishments.
Donald “Actually Quite Great” Trump
I humbly and gratefully accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.
Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich. I have a great company. I have a tremendous income. I say that not in a braggadocios way. Some of the greatest assets anywhere in the world. It’s an unbelievable company. I pay hundreds of millions of dollars in taxes. But as soon as my routine audit is finished, I’ll release my returns. They’re actually quite great.
I’ll go one step further. In Palm Beach, Florida, tough community, a brilliant community, a wealthy community, probably the wealthiest community there is, I opened a club, and really got great credit for it. No discrimination against African Americans, against Muslims, against anybody.
I am the law-and-order candidate. I will do more for African Americans and Latinos than she can ever do in 10 lifetimes. Stop and frisk worked very well in New York. Our great African-American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are happily destroying Baltimore! Our inner cities are a disaster. You get shot walking to the store. We have gangs roaming the street. They’re illegal immigrants. When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. I love Hispanics!
We are the greatest country the world has ever known. In the 1940s, we saved the world. Then we saved the world again from totalitarian Communism. Now we can talk about Putin. I don’t know Putin. This is not my best friend. I know nothing about the inner workings of Russia. I have no loans from Russia.
No one has more respect for women than I do. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, you can do anything. Grab ’em by the p****.
As your president, I will be your greatest champion. I will fight to ensure that every American is treated equally, protected equally and honored equally. And seek a new future built on our common culture and values as one American people. But we have some bad hombres here and we’re going to get them out. Beginning on Jan. 20, 2017, safety will be restored.
Hillary “Great Cuz We’re Good” Clinton
Lifetime Member of the American Middle Class, 1947-present
– Fathered by small-businessman, who worked really hard
– Connects with everyday Americans through shared struggles, like choosing which $12,000 Armani jacket to wear during speeches on income inequality
– Worths $31.3 million according to moneynation.com
Experienced Imperialist, 1993-present
– Heads foundation that receives millions from tyrannical governments
– Supports Israeli occupation of Palestine
– Was willing to nuke Iran in 2008 (and spearheaded Iran Nuclear Deal so they couldn’t retaliate)
Part-Time Racist, 2015-present
– Enthusiastically says “Black Lives Matter” and uses the word “racism”
– Has seven things in common with your abuela, including worrying about children everywhere
Full-Time Racist, 1947-2015
– Not bothered by hundreds of thousands of civilians killed or children orphaned in “War on Terror”
– Supported mass incarceration of Black and Latinx people
– Dismantled welfare with husband in ’90s
Last Thing Standing Between You and the Apocalypse, July 2016-present
– Strongly endorsed non-binding Paris Climate agreement that does not prevent dangerous increases in global warming
– Probably won’t use nuclear weapons
– Appears to be better option than malevolent cheeto
– Will try to maintain status quo through 2024