Now that the clowns have run through the quad, the leaves have found themselves caught in fake wigs and red solo cups have gotten trapped in corners with candy wrappers and a few lost V-cards, we’ve finally come out of our daze and are now faced with the most daunting Halloween prospect: what to do with your costume!
This unique problem may not have presented itself to you in your youth, when coming home at 8:30 p.m. after a wild night of trick-ortreating (and filling half the pillowcase! Hell yeah!) all you had to do was crash from your sugar high and never have to see your magic wand and power ranger onesie for a whole year. Parents were nice enough to whisk away your fashion faux pas, but now you’re in college and on your own to find a home for fishnet tights.
I’ve compiled a list of my best recommendations that I am pleased to share with you today.
1. Save it until next year: You heard me right! As a college student on a steep budget (food and beverages are excluded) there is no better way to save a few bucks then to hold onto your chocolate-stained plaid shirt and shaved down eye liner pencil until next year! But wait, I may have been unclear; you aren’t saving the costume for yourself; it’s for a fellow Brewer of course! You can’t be caught in the same bunny ears or Donald Trump mask next year; all of your friends have a very clear and undistorted picturesque image of you from Saturday night in their mind, and if you were to wear the same costume you would be in for a night of mockery in 2017. Instead, you can sell your themed cape and slobbery fangs on the Vassar Free & For Sale Facebook page. Or, you could always leave it in front of someone’s door like a weird, unwanted Secret Santa gift. At any rate, your prized possessions are sure to be some else’s trash!
2. Dress a small child: We all know your outfit didn’t actually fit. Even if you think it did, your v-neck leotard gets a C-rating for skin coverage. Maybe next year your New Hallo-Year’s Resolution to lose a few pounds before you eat your weight in candy will come true! For those costumes that did fit, yes I’m talking to you Harry Potter, Tinkerbell and Minnie Mouse, your costume was originally meant for a small child. So you’re all set!
3. Wear it on Nov. 8: Everyone knows Halloween and the 2016 Election share countless similarities: seeing horrifying scenes on a TV and generally gathering around and exclaiming, “Well, we’re all fucked!” Distract your friends from the tragedy of the whole state’s electoral votes going to Donald Trump with your equally as disturbing Kate-McKinnon-Hillary-Clinton mocking hand waving. (If we don’t laugh about this, we’ll probably cry and have panic attacks.)
4. Burn it: I asked Siri the other day where I can hide a dead body (which is a pretty accurate description of your costume, actually) and she told me I could use a dump, reservoir or swamp. Fortunately enough for you, I’m a fan of Sunset Lake. My backup recommendation is to turn to the classic torch-and-gasoline technique. If we all pool our fake fur, string chokers and non-allergenic, non-irritating, tear-free, vampire blood together, we might be able to generate enough toxic fumes to block out the sun for a week! #FallBreakRoundTwo (Seriously, start using this hashtag and it’ll happen.)
5. Develop a clothing line: Now that the whole school has seen your costume, it’s proof you are hot shit when it comes to fashion. (Besides, literally anything comes off as fashion at Vassar. Mom jeans? Fashion. Crocs? Fashion. Trashbag? Fashion.) It might be time to take on launching a business in your copious amount of college student free time. All the great fashion designers get their ideas from late night, thundering-music-induced hallucinations. Just ask Kanye West! Your young, progressive Vassar mind can do way better than baggy shirts, sweaters and coats. Or maybe I’m giving you too much credit.
6. Mail it back to the family: If keeping colored contact lenses around kills your “vibe,” you may consider this option. You don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of your hall mates when they come into your room to see your Where’s Waldo shirt clashing with your turquoise medallion tapestry. When you send off the goods, you don’t have to put a return address. I’m pretty sure the mailman will send it anyway if you can make up for it with extra postage. No letter will be necessary; simply opening your shoe box (aka your poor excuse for a mailing package) to find your ripped Rosie the Riveter bandana will prove how much you still think “We can do it!” (Answer: you are done caring) *Warning, this option may include parents placing a call to the school to confirm your survival.
7. “Lose it” in the laundry room: After a careful scientific study, I have concluded that 10 percent of Vassar students use the laundry room to do laundry, and the other 90 percent go to purposely dispose of things they don’t want. Your unicorn head will fit right in with the lint balls and single socks.
I hope at least one of these options appealed to your post-Halloween clean up needs. Remember, Halloween is just one night, the rest of the year…are all the days you are being remembered for last year’s Halloween.
P.S. None of these options apply if your costume contained any tie-dye. Please and thank you bring your donations for Joss 3 West.