Ask Banner: the Misc’s “weekly” “advice” column

 

Yo Banner,

I declared my major recently, and I lost my “Hooray, I’m Declared” pin within min­utes of leaving the registrar. I got around not including the button in my obligato­ry “I declared” post, but I can’t fathom not having it on my backpack. Should I go back to the Registrar and ask for another one?

Sincerely,

Life is RegistrHard

Dear Pinhead,

There is no greater shame than return­ing to where you made a momentous deci­sion about your academic future to to admit your own pettiness and lack of responsibil­ity. If you feel dedicated enough to getting that pin in such a pathetic way, you might as well earn it and declare a second major.

Love from,

Banner

Dearest Banner,

The absentee ballot process has caused me to feel extremely insecure about my childish signature. I always assumed that when I became an adult, I would sudden­ly have an official and fancy signature, not something that looks like I’m part of a gen­eration that didn’t learn cursive. Advice?

Clumslily,

(Insecure about my signature)

Dear Jonathan Hancock,

The best response to insecurities is bla­tant overcompensation, which is why I called you Jonathan Hancock. Instead of subtly adding his unprofessional and phallic name on our countries critically important inde­pendence document, John Hancock signed a bulbous signature. Go big or go home!

Best,

Banner

Hi Ask Banner,

Can you please explain to me the phenom­enon known as “the Mannequin Challenge?” I really want to get involved, but I want to make sure I do so in a responsible, socially concious way. Is this trend worth having a say in? As far as I can tell, it’s merely a more nuanced and social version of planking.

Dabbing profusely,

Trendy Trendster

Dear Bandwagon hopper,

Aristotle always said that it is unwise to get involved in a vine trend too early. Though your analysis of the Mannequin Challenge as a type of postmodern plank­ing is astute, I fear that there is no respon­sible way to engage in a trend like this. Maybe you could write a poem instead?

Sarcastically,

Banner

Hello Professor Banner,

All my friends have entered into hor­crux like relationships with their orgs, their majors or both. As of now, I get a healthy amount of sleep, finish most of my homwork, and have not drank coffee at college yet. Any reccomendations about how to go down this road of dark magic?

Let me know,

Thomas Riddle

Dear Voldy,

To make a Vassar horcrux, you must be prepared for murder. You will have to kill the version of you that spends time sleeping, or does the reading or watches Mannequin Chal­lenges so that you rip your soul. You then can bind it to something -like the Misc- to have an immortal albeit cursed life on campus.

Choose Wisely,

Banner

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *