No more November: humor writer ready for Christmas

Possibility of time travel confirmed, Christ­mas preparations already underway

As you know, the sorcery that is Daylight Savings came to an end this weekend, provid­ing us with a much needed extra hour of sleep. I’m not exactly sure how the mechanics of this concept work, but if one day someone decided that we can travel back and forth an hour in time, then by that logic, we should be allowed to skip ahead a month.

That’s right everyone, you heard it here first: November is officially cancelled. Hallow­een has come and gone, leaving us disoriented and in need of a sense of wholesomeness to erase the memories of our sins and the Christ­mas season holds the perfect solution.

It’s nothing personal, but I think Novem­ber is a social construct. If you look forward to a feast every year on Thanksgiving, there is nothing stopping you from gorging yourself with food any other day. Instead of blindly fol­lowing an arbitrary tradition of eating turkey on a Thursday and pretending that those Eu­ropean settlers didn’t commit genocide, you should strive to be more progressive, and re­fuse to acknowledge the existence of Novem­ber all together.

Making the transition from October to De­cember is easy because signs that Christmas is near are all around campus. Mother Nature herself has picked up on these cues and has recently provided us with a delicate dusting of snow (before it turned to rain and sludge), momentarily transforming the campus into a magnificent winter wonderland.

If you cannot contain your excitement for the impending arrival of the Christmas season and all the mirth that it brings, you should take matters further into your own hands. Here are some tips that will help you get into the holi­day spirit in no time.

Feel free to indulge in the unfettered capi­talism that is the Christmas season. Seriously, don’t hold back! Take the shuttle to the mall and purchase gifts for all of your closest ac­quaintances. Your roommate, the guy from the Dollar Yard, your professors, that one guy who held the door open for you at the Deece last semester… everyone deserves a nice gift. Alternatively, if venturing out into the world isn’t really your thing (I don’t blame you), Am­azon Prime exists for this reason, and is always just a few clicks away, ready to speedily ship out whatever product your materialistic heart desires.

Upon close inspection, you may notice that this campus has a lot of trees. Too many, in fact. Vassar trees have gotten far too comfort­able. Some might even say they are privileged; I mean, some of them even have their own name tags! It’s time to put them in their place, and “their place” happens to be in your dorm room. I’m sure that no one will notice if you cut down a tree or two and repurpose them as holiday decor. After all, nothing adds more holiday flare than a rustic tree decaying in the middle of your room!

It’s a proven fact that no matter where you are on campus, you are never more than 10 feet away from a Steinway piano. So if you are musically inclined and even if you are not, you should huddle around the nearest piano and put on a show for everyone around you to en­joy. Ring in the holiday season by belting out your best rendition of Mariah Carey’s timeless classic “All I Want for Christmas is You” or if you are even more daring, recreate the iconic scene from the “Mean Girls” talent show, cam­corder-wielding mother and all. Your angelic voice and fresh moves will send shivers down the spines of all those around you and spread Christmas joy for all to hear.

Here at Vassar, the opportunity to have close encounters with wildlife is abundant. You should think of this campus as your own personal petting zoo. There are plenty of deer frolicking throughout campus and since they don’t pay tuition, you might as well put them to good use.

Invite your friends to join you in your rein­deer games and play a festive game of pin the nose on tick-carrying Rudolph. This classic game is sure to provide an enjoyable experi­ence for all parties involved. If you are looking to take things a step further, you could also partake in the equally absurd activity known as “hunting season.”

I know it always feels like you never have enough time to fully enjoy the Christmas sea­son, so this year, take control for once in your life by following these simple tips. Make sure to savor every minute of this self-imposed Christmas marathon and have fun jingle bell rockin’ the night away!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *