Three, two, one… as the clock strikes midnight, you step forward into the light and come face to face with your reflection in the mirror. Placing your palm against the mirror, you confidently whisper to yourself “New year, new me.” You fully embrace this mantra and even toy with the idea of getting it tattooed across your ribcage. You diligently add pins to your 2017 Pinterest board for all of about three days before slipping into your old habits because you lack the willpower to successfully carry out your plans.
Does this scenario sound eerily familiar? If so, you are like millions of Americans who vow to change their behaviors every year only to abandon their resolutions within the first week of January. This year, instead of coming up with silly and unrealistic resolutions like “lose weight” or “save money” or “don’t disappoint my parents,” follow these simple and reasonable resolutions to make 2017 the best year ever (which won’t be hard considering the fact that 2016 set the bar incredibly low).
Get a skin transplant. This may seem a little radical, but the most effective way to create a “new you” is to incorporate the flesh of other people into your body. Everyone knows that the easiest way to reinvent yourself is to start from the outside and work your way in, so go ahead: call up Baldwin and schedule an appointment for your procedure. However, you may want to keep your self-transformation limited to the outside of your body, because obviously, your emotional baggage is best to avoid at all times.
Sit on the big side of the Deece. It is time that you finally got out of your comfort zone and did something a little crazy. Yes, the small side of the Deece offers many comforts—the salad bar, the waffle maker, the solace necessary to reflect upon your failures—but it is time to walk on the wild side and venture out into the real world. By willingly surrounding yourself with of other students, you are making a statement that you are an empowered individual who is not afraid of social interaction.
Be honest. Brutally honest. Instead of working on your own flaws, you should speak up and identify everyone else’s flaws. Tell your friend what you really think of their new haircut, and make sure to question all of their actions. Should they really have another plate of fries? Your friends and family will be very appreciative of your newly found honesty and will cherish your presence even more!
Join a cult. It is no secret that most humans crave human interaction, and it is also no secret that you, presumably, are a human. Since Vassar is lacking in the Greek life department, you should join a cult in order to fulfill your social needs. Whether or not you choose to participate in sacrifices is up to you, but it would be an invaluable opportunity to bond with your fellow cult-mates.
Procrastinate more. Instead of wasting your life completing meaningless assignments or “being productive,” you should spend your time binge-watching every series you possibly can on Netflix. Alternatively, you can simply lie on your bed throwing a baseball at the ceiling and catch it repeatedly for hours like a kid in a ’90s movie. Once you get a rhythm going, it is easy to slip into deep meditative thought and contemplate on every embarrassing thing you have ever done since seventh grade. Thinking about your past failures will distract you from thinking about present and future failures, which studies have shown to be incredibly therapeutic.
Move to the Swedish countryside and raise cattle for a living. It is safe to say that 2016 has given us more than enough reasons to want to flee the country. Now is the perfect time to leave behind the hustle and bustle of Poughkeepsie, New York and move to the quiet countryside in order to live a more wholesome life. Feel free to indulge in this idyllic lifestyle by churning your own butter, embroidering pillowcases, collecting stamps and doing all the other things you have been secretly yearning to do for years.