Every New Year’s Eve as the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight, everyone seems to ask themselves the same general questions: “Who will I be in the New Year?” “What goals will I accomplish this year?” Or “Will this year be as shitty as last year?” In a way, we each have our own mini-identity crisis which we proclaim the all-too-familiar phrase, “New year, new me!” For most people that entails going to the gym for the first few weeks of the year before wholly abandoning their cause of physical health. But in my opinion, that is not enough. There are plenty of new and interesting ways to reinvent oneself, and I have listed them below:
1. Fake your own death
This idea might be a little complicated, but nothing says, “New year, new me” like pretending you perished in a horrific fire. This option (and most of the others to be honest) is probably best if you don’t have any family, but hey, I’m not here to judge.
All you have to do is create some circumstances under which people might think you died. For example, stealing a corpse and setting fire to your house with said corpse inside, rolling your car into the ocean, buy a yacht and tell people you’re going on a cruise in the Bermuda Triangle or you could just copy the exact plot of Gone Girl. (Although if anyone investigating your death has read the book or seen the movie, your plans might be a tad foiled.)
After the event takes place and people think you’re dead, the possibilities are endless! Want to buy a condo in Florida? Do it! Want to take a salsa class? Why not! Who knows, it might even be fun to pretend you’re the ghost of your former self and haunt anyone who doesn’t bring flowers to your funeral!
This plan is basically the same principle as faking your own death, except a little bit less work. And perhaps a little bit more mysterious! After you ghost everyone in your entire life, try walking in the nearest downtown area wearing dark sunglasses, a trench coat and a large hat. Not only is this a sure-fire way to be incognito, but you’ll definitely feel like a badass. And who knows? You might get an entire special about your disappearance on the Investigation Discovery Channel.
3. Steal someone’s identity
If your identity type is Chaotic Evil, this might be the option for you. If you do decide to steal someone’s identity, though, at least try to be a little creative. Don’t use the same-old, same-old African Prince email phishing scam. Try being a Norwegian Prince! Or perhaps try being a little more up-to-date. Seriously, who uses email anymore? That’s such an impersonal way to take someone’s identity.
Once you’ve taken someone’s identity there are a few different avenues you can pursue. The first one is trying to steal their identity completely and to replace them in their family structure. You could even recreate that scene from Captain Phillips, but instead of saying, “I’m the Captain now” you could say, “Sorry Gene; I’m the father now.”
4. Run for President
If you’re interested in reinventing yourself but don’t want to alienate or leave behind your family, try running for the Office of the President of the United States! Granted you would have to wait for the next election cycle, but this definitely seems like a viable option since apparently America doesn’t care if its Commander-in-Chief has any relevant experience. If you think your ideology leans toward being hateful and intolerant, try running as a Republican! Or if you are into self-sabotage, perhaps try running as a Democrat! Either way, if you win the election your life (and perhaps the lives of thousands of other Americans) will forever be changed.
Obviously these ideas might be considered a little drastic by some but, to be honest, I think these suggestions are the only true way to reinvent oneself. Other New Year’s Resolutions encounter the problem of having very little accountability. But what’s more binding than doing something morally, ethically and legally questionable? If you’re against abandoning your family I suppose you could try CrossFit instead, but in my opinion that’s way less fun.