A fun kink to try this V-Day: fixing a feisty, leaky faucet

Hello Dear Readers,

Love is in the air this week! Tuesday was Valentine’s Day and to celebrate, I thought I’d write a little article about ways to spice things up in the bedroom (note: as a male-bodied person, this article will be focused on male-bodied people). Now, I’ve never felt the tender embrace of another, but I hear a lot of people talking about “cleaning out the pipes.” With that thought in mind, I’d like to present a fun, new way to help any male-bodied person clean out their pipes–fixing a leaky faucet.

Now, you eager beavers, fixing a leaky faucet with your loved one isn’t something you can just do. Like any good bedroom (or bathroom) fun, this will require some prep work. So, before you start going to town on those pipes, remember to turn off the water to the sink fixture. Find a handle in that cabinet underneath the sink you only open when you need a new sponge or maybe some trash bags, and turn it clockwise to shut off the water supply. Also, consider covering the drain. That’ll keep pieces of the faucet from falling in while you’re getting down and dirty. (If you’re someone who likes a little danger with your partner, keep it open! You never know what’s going to slip in.)

For our next step, you and your special someone should determine what toys you’re working with. By toys I mean faucets. There are four main kinds of faucets–ball faucets, cartridge faucets, ceramic-disk faucets and compression faucets. I would take notes by the way. This will be on the test. To know which kind of faucet you have, look at it. Does it have a ball? Does it have a cartridge? What about a ceramic disk? Does it compress? If you answered no to all of these questions, try again. Look harder. There are four types of faucets. I already said that. It’s one of the four. Come on. It’s not hard.

So, now we’re a good half way through this article, and I have a confession for you dear reader. This is not actually an article on fixing a leaky faucet with your loved one of choice. This is about fixing a compression faucet with said loved one. Sorry if you read this far and have one of the others. You can go ahead and stop reading now.

Anyway, back to all you cooing lovebirds and your leaky compression faucets. Where were we? Right. We were just about to start actually fixing the leaky faucet. Prep work is done. Let’s start with the basics: the screw. If you really want to fix their leaky faucet, you’re going to have to unscrew the handle from the sink fixture. Have fun with this! Consider it a “fourplay” to the actual nitty-gritty of faucet repair. Remember: lefty-loosey.

This next step is a personal favorite of this author’s, and sure to be a pleaser in any bedroom: use a wrench to remove the nut. You read that right; just fucking wrench the nut right off. Quick anatomy lesson for a faucet’s nether-regions: underneath the nut you should find the stem, the O-ring and the seat washer. A worn-down seat washer is the likely cause for all your leaky compression faucet woes.

Alright, so you’ve had yourself a screw and wrenched out a nut. Now what? Our next step is to pull out the stem. Take it slooooowww here. Make it a power play. Lock eyes with your lover, don’t blink, and really grip that stem. We’re talking white-knuckled. Yeah. That’s what it’s all about. Now slide that stem up like it’s a one-eyed snake trying to clog your drains and you gotta clean out the pipes. Nice. Ideally this step should take 15-20 minutes.

When you’ve finally removed the stem, take a moment to breathe. You can blink now too if you feel the need. Let your heart rate get back down to normal. Then replace the seat washer. Oh yeah, by the way, you have to buy a new seat washer for your leaky compression faucet. Maybe that should have been step one. Anyway, do that. Coat it in plumber’s grease (gross) and pop that bad boy in there like it’s what you have to do to finish fixing your leaky compression faucet. Then you can reassemble the handle, clean up, and voilà. Consider your leaky faucet fixed!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *