Woman disillusioned with men, turns to monsters for love

An illustrated depiction of a witch being literally cooler than anyone else in Salem, proof that witches would be an amazing choice to take on a date this Valentine’s Day. / Courtesy of Wikipedia

‘Tis the season of love, but I’m not here to talk about that. Instead, during this time of affection, I’m left missing the season of hate and scariness. That’s right, I do miss me some Halloween. As I sit at home on my couch, watching scary movies and romantic comedies for days, I wonder which Halloween monster I’d most love to date. What follows is the list of Most Dateable Monsters that I have compiled while sitting on the couch.

Number one: Dracula. Duh! I mean not only is he very sensual and strong, but he is also super duper rich. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a poor vampire; they must save a lot of money because they don’t buy groceries. I personally would date any vampire, but not because I used to love Twilight (though that might have something to do with it…). I would date Dracula or any vampire because they don’t go out in the daylight. I already never leave the house, and people give me a lot of grief for that. But if I dated a vampire I would have a foolproof excuse for never leaving the house: my significant other cannot be in the sun. Sure, Dracula would eventually kill me for my blood, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make to briefly date a rich agoraphobe.

Number two: A werewolf. Say what you will about them, but I do love a hairy chest. (If you’re thinking of judging me, remember that Dad Bod was a thing. I think this is way less bad.) I also like the fact that they are very in-tune to the moon cycle, which means I probably won’t have to keep track of my period anymore, they can tell when I’m about to get it. A werewolf would also be very good at cuddling, whether as a human or a wolf. I wouldn’t be scared about whether or not they’d claw me to pieces, because they’d know I’m the one that gives them treats and without me, no more Beggin’ Strips or Scooby Snacks. I could also help them find some vampires to fight if Dracula ever broke my heart.

Number three: A witch. The only reason that witches aren’t higher on the list is because I’d be too intimidated; they’re so cool. I could never measure up to their magic skills or sense of style. They would wind up disappointed with my mortal ass and I would feel bad for letting them down. But witches would be amazing to date. They can put curses or hexes on anyone I want and make a potion to improve my skin. I’m not sure what I would personally bring to the relationship except willingness to do their bidding; I’d be a great henchwoman. Like a flying monkey who can’t fly and who would be willing to collect the eyes of newts and warts of toads. If there are any witches out there reading this who need a sidekick, hmu, I’m willing to do your dirty work if you cast a spell on anybody that looks at me wrong.

Number four: A ghost. I’m not really sure how this would work. I saw that Casper movie with Hilary Duff and it just didn’t seem like it would’ve worked out between them. I do think that dating a ghost would be cool because I could have them haunt people I don’t like. I would probably miss physical contact pretty quickly, though. Revenge is sweet, but cuddling is pretty nice too. And I wouldn’t like being cold all the time or communicating through an electronic voice phenomena box. The hauntings are one of the only upsides for me, but it definitely depends on the ghost and how they died. For example, if the ghost died while saving a puppy from a burning building I’d be all over that. But if they died from a skateboarding accident that would be a hard pass.

Number five: A zombie. While I love movies about zombies, I like people with whom I can have an intelligent conversation. Not only that, but zombies make no money. They can’t hold a job, their credit is in the trash, talk about a scrub. They could use a good scrubbing, too. Dirty dirty dirty. Overall, this doesn’t seem like a match that would work. I hope zombies are able to find love someday, hopefully it will detract from their thirst for brains. I’m used to college students being thirsty for hook ups but not for flesh-eating.

Number six: A mummy. First of all, a mummy isn’t afraid to get down and dirty. I’m into that. Also, you never know what’s under all that gauze and if you wanted to take it off it’d be forever. Enough said.

Number seven: The cast of Monster University. I think they would be tender lovers. It would make for a real monster mash.

I never really understood why Bella Swan was so into Edward, he’s not a real vampire. He’s Vampire Lite. My monsters are not Monsters Lite, they will be way intense and probably never play baseball or try and protect me. They are vicious. There are a million other monsters out there that I haven’t put on this list, but they are all basically different iterations of these monsters. Tune in October for my list: “Romantic Comedies that I Wish Had Actual Monsters Instead of Jennifer Lawrence and Matthew McConaughey.”

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