Not to be overdramatic, dear readers, but I am dying. In lieu of flowers, please send cute puppies to my family, because I know that’s what they would’ve wanted. (And I would want that too.) What am I dying of, you ask? To be quite candid, I’m not sure. I’m not a doctor. And neither are the people over at Baldwin.
All I know is that I have transformed into a sleepy snot monster with a weird half-fever and a tongue burned from drinking so much orange juice and tea. Because of these symptoms I think it’s only right to assume that the end is nigh.
I leave a lot of people and possessions behind. Obviously I will dearly miss my parents, my sister and my dog. (Although if you do anything to change my room into a home fitness center I will haunt your asses so hard.) In my possessions, I leave behind a lot of art history readings I have not yet done, some half-dead cacti on my windowsill and a small pile of mucus-y tissues by my bed. All of these things I bequeath to my nemesis, Paul Rudd. I would like my ashes to be scattered inside the Thompson Memorial Library for my final resting place; as many a time during finals or midterms I assumed I would die of exhaustion inside that hallowed hall of books.
I know what you’re thinking, dear reader, that this is just a cold. That I will be fine. And despite that all my cells are currently working against me and I’m wearing a dirty pair of sweatpants, you are probably correct!
But currently, I think I have the right to wallow because being sick, especially away from home, is some absolute bullshit. In case you doubt me further, here is a list of things I did (or rather didn’t do) today whilst on my sick day:
1. Woke up at 10 AM
Even if I weren’t sick, please don’t judge me. On Tuesdays I don’t have class until noon so I try to catch up on as much sleep as possible. Also fuck you, I’m sick.
2. Made a meme
I don’t think making a meme is related to the fact that I am sick, although perhaps it is. The mind is a funny thing. Anyway I made a tag yourself meme for my friend group and I think it was pretty funny. But only a few people liked it on Facebook, so I’m a little pissed about it to be honest.
3. Emailed my professor to say I wouldn’t be in class
I thought I might be able to make it to class at 8 AM, but then went back to sleep and woke up again around 11:59ish, which is when I promptly decided I would not make it to my noon class.
4. Fell asleep until 1:15 PM
Usually I spend my sick days watching Netflix or reading in bed, but today I didn’t have energy to even procrastinate on the homework I should’ve been working on. (That’s how you know you’re really sick.)
5. Canceled my therapy session at 1:30 PM
To clarify, I canceled the therapy session at 1:30 and my therapy session was also at 1:30 PM. It seemed a bit counterintuitive to me to cancel my therapy session just to stay in bed, but I had a really good reason this time. I promise, Dr. LaMothe!
6. Got a package at the Post Office!
The only redeeming thing about this day was that lingerie I ordered literally months ago finally decided to show up. Despite sweating profusely while trying to do anything slightly physical, I made myself go to the post office, try my lingerie on, take multiple selfies in the public bathroom mirror, dash inside a bathroom stall anytime someone came into the bathroom and post said selfies on Instagram. (I surely hope my Geography Professor isn’t one of my followers, because he might think I’m well… when I clearly am I not… cough cough…) (Just to clarify I am actually sick. Come see me, if you see me you would say, “Wow you look sick!” I was making a joke, because I am a jokester.)
Anyway, writing this article is exhausting my frail body. I’m going to go take a nap.