As the snow melts away into spring once more, the birds and bees have come out to play. (I wonder if we’ll have to come up with a new adage once bees go extinct once and for all…) And you know what that means ladies; love and societal expectations that women have to take care of their own birth control are in the air! But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy spring break while doing it–here are four fun places to have a destination IUD insertion!
1. A Beach in Cancun
Just because your gynecologist is performing a complex procedure doesn’t mean that you can’t still be one of the girls gone wild! You can wake up at 9 a.m., be at the beach by 10, drink for a few hours, flash your boobs to some randos and then when your bikini bottom falls off in the ocean, it’s nature telling you it’s go time! Further, having your vagina stretched and your cervix torn open is pretty painful so it might not be a bad idea to be catastrophically sloshed. Just be wary of all the sand, that shit gets everywhere.
2. The Washington Monument
Honestly it seems only fitting to have a metal object implanted inside your lady business at the top of building shaped like George Washington’s penis. (Shout-out to Martha Washington, I hope your vag is resting in peace.) Besides, once your gynecologist is finished you can tour other DC hotspots like The Capitol Building and The Supreme Court. That way you can experience the grandeur of American history and visit all the men who are actively trying to take away your reproductive rights; two birds, right?
3. Your Grandmother’s Living Room
That old coot is always complaining about how you never call her, so why not do one better and whip out your beaver on her couch. One of the few downsides to this location is that before the procedure, you’ll have to remember to take all the family pictures off of the walls. You wouldn’t want to accidentally make eye contact with Great Uncle Glenn while you’re essentially being fingered by a medical health-care professional.
4. An Alley Behind the Times Square McDonald’s
If you’re looking to score some points with your younger sister’s cool friends, this location will bring a new meaning to the word “grunge.” While the operation table might be a dumpster filled with stale McNuggets and one of those creepy Times Square Elmos might be lurking around trying to catch a peek, privacy and cleanliness are overrated. Anyway, when President Trump decides to outlaw women seeing doctors besides plastic surgeons, you’ll feel comfortable with black market healthcare.