CIS warns of monthlong network outages

Beginning April 1, Vassar Computing and Information Services (CIS) will perform a system upgrade on VassarOne: Single Sign-On. As a result, members of the Vassar community will be unable to access VassarOne services, including Moodle and Google for Education, until Apr. 21. During this time frame, contractors will also install new fiber optic cables connecting critical university systems, resulting in a complete network outage.

The Main Library will supply typewriters, paper and pencils, in addition to pulling dictionaries, thesauruses and encyclopedias from storage. (Hopefully they will not be too dusty and moth-eaten to use.) Reference librarians will hold workshops on the Dewey Decimal System.

In the meantime, VSA President Calvin Lamothe has stated that in the coming weeks there will be vans to transport students to the Barnes and Noble on Highway 9 on trips to use their free Wifi network.

The CIS has asked faculty members to mimeograph all reading assignments, essay prompts and examinations. In place of group emails, faculty members are encouraged to hand deliver letters to students’ dorm rooms. Or, if the professors live in Manhattan, use carrier pigeons.

CIS Senior Network Administrator Bjarne Stroustrup said, “We hope that this will actually help to foster a sense of community, wherein professors will not only learn their students’ addresses, but will also better relate to them by gaining a real sense of their personal lives.”

Furthermore, since during this time they will have nothing else to do, the CIS Help Desk will be transforming itself from helping people with computer issues, to helping CIS people not be so terrible to transgender people and people who do not identify on the gender binary. In this way, it will literally become a CIS Help Desk.

CIS Senior Network Administrator, Bjarne Stroustrup, a certified cis person, states the reason for this drastic change of services, “While most people at Vassar College pretend to be progressive or are progressive light, the way that cis people other those that don’t adhere to the classic gender binary is appalling. Since Vassar has resources for literally everything under the sun, we decided we might as well become a real CIS Help Desk to honor whomever came up with this ridiculous name.”

If you have questions, or need to report an issue with your nonexistent wifi, you may submit a handwritten letter to the CIS Service Desk (124 Raymond Avenue, Box 13, Poughkeepsie, New York 12604-0013).

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