Danny is a slow burn. If life were a high school movie, Danny’s been your best friend since Kindergarten, but you don’t fall for him until the end of the movie when you realize Chad Michael Murray is an ass. However, Danny will be bald by the time he’s 40, so don’t get too attached.
Tyler likes to play basketball with his shirt off, and you do NOT mind. Tyler is so hot that he could do porn. Like, gay porn. He has an ass that won’t quit, but his ability to hold an intelligent conversation never showed up to work. He isn’t able to use a kitchen appliance more complicated than a toaster, but he sure is pretty.
It takes a strong man to pull off all 11 letters of Christopher, and you’ll get to see that strength once you get him out of that J. Crew sweater. Christopher is smart, well dressed and will definitely impress your mother. Christopher knows what conditioner is, and it shows. Christopher knows all the best study spots, but unfortunately, he’s far more likely to be studying Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason” than studying you.
Julian is tall, dark and very handsome. He’s brooding and sensitive, like Allen Ginsburg. He’s probably a Cancer, maybe a Scorpio. He’s in a band, which would be sexier if he didn’t talk about it so much. He’ll write a song about your love, but it won’t be nearly as good as the song he writes when you finally get fed up with his sad boi act and dump his ass.
Jamie is the sweetest boy you’ll ever meet. He played cello in high school and he still has cellist arms. Jamie is an Environmental Studies major but he’s not a vegan or anything; he just really cares about the rainforest. Jamie never does anything stupid while drunk but unfortunately he’ll be all too happy to judge you for dropping your EpiPen in the toilet.
Harry’s place on this list was a no-brainer, considering the amount of Harry Heartthrobs out there. Harry Styles? Prince Harry? Harry Truman?? Check, check and check. Harry is dashing and full of surprises. He is possibly British, probably uncircumcised. Every day with Harry is an adventure, every night an odyssey. Whether you’re at the beach or a secret military base, you always know you have a loyal co-pilot in Harry. That is, until he meets someone with a belly-button ring.
Jeremy is a true All-American boy. He wears an olive green, half-zip sweater and his smile could solve all conflicts in the Middle East. Jeremy was chubby in high school so now he’s super kind. He’s even nice to girls he doesn’t want to sleep with. He’s too modest to tell you about his lake house right now, but let’s just say you should keep your Memorial Day plans open.
Malcolm is the smartest man you know, which means he’s almost as smart as the fourth smartest woman you know. But Malcolm doesn’t waste his talents in the library. Malcolm is out building robots and teaching the trombone to underprivileged kids. With Malcolm, you can look forward to late night philosophical discussions as well as the occasional lecture on the difference between the Eastern and Western Meadowlark. If nerdy boys are your thing (and in 2017, they’re everyone’s thing) you can’t go wrong with Malcolm.
Ari is the full package: smart, handsome, funny, charming and not in a ska band. Ari is the kind of boy who could make a youth minister convert. Ari is the kind of boy who would make you a mixtape and not include any songs from a video game soundtrack. Ari has a great voice but he’s not in an a capella group. Ari wants to hear all your thoughts on Carly Rae Jepsen, because he has equally as many. If this list were the top ten boys to marry, Ari would be number one. But this list is about pure sex appeal, so that brings us to:
Really, any initial name could top the list, let’s say number one is CJ. Personality-wise, CJ is not great. He doesn’t respect you or your interests. He legitimately thinks barbecue is spelled with a q. His favorite show is “Storage Wars.” He once told you he voted for Gary Johnson and you’re not sure if he’s joking. But none of that matters because CJ is SO HOT. CJ has perfect hair, sparkling eyes and a diamond earring. CJ is always smirking, partially because he’s an asshole, but partially because he KNOWS it turns you on. CJ’s cheating on you with two other people but he’s treating them even worse than he treats you so it’s ok, right? You’re never going to dump him, no matter what your friend says.