Spring clean and be savage: cut out your dearest friends

The start of the second half of the semester has brought along many interesting changes to campus; the mounds of snow have melted away, the days are longer, the Deece cups have vanished. All of these signs can be interpreted as the coming of spring! Households all across the nation are responding to this change of season by beginning the task of spring cleaning. The recent surge of posts on the Free and For Sale Facebook page indicates that Vassar students have also commenced the arduous process of spring cleaning in a futile attempt to de-clutter their closets.

This semester you should consider undertaking a different kind of spring cleaning, a kind that is more personal. Instead of getting rid of clothes you have outgrown, you should get rid of all the friends you have outgrown. Since spring is the time of renewal and rebirth, it is the perfect time to end all of the decaying friendships you are a part of. Death is a natural part of life, and you should not be afraid to recognize when a friendship has expired. It may be a painful process, but that’s why we are here to walk you through this challenging, but ultimately rewarding process of spring cleaning.

1. Unfriend them from all social media
Since the majority of your social interactions occur via the Internet, it is important to purge every social media platform of their presence. Let’s face it, you were getting tired of receiving Facebook invites to events you will never attend and seeing them retweet old memes that aren’t even funny anymore. Take the time to remove your ex-friends from all of your preferred sites (Facebook, Moodle, Twitter, Etsy, Snapchat and Linkedin in order to truly cleanse yourself from their toxicity.)

2. Forge new paths
As you make your way across campus, you notice a “friend” approaching. You strategically glance at your phone in order to avoid exchanging a forced smile with them. Sound familiar? Instead of simply averting your eyes when you cross paths with a friend that you have grown tired of, you should rethink your routes so that you never have to cross paths with them again. It may make you late to class but ultimately it will save you from a few brief seconds of awkwardness, and that’s all that really matters.

3. Hire a hypnotist to erase all memories of friendship
Although this measure may seem a little drastic, it is the only way to ensure that no hard feelings are left over once you terminate your friendship. A quick internet search will yield many results of hypnotists in the Hudson Valley, so it is up to you to choose the one that best suits your needs. In most cases, all the memories you have of the times your friends have wronged you are erased after just one visit, and you will be free to resume making new memories soon after. Some hypnotists even offer a special “Erase nine friends from your memory and get the tenth one free” deal! If the process seems scary to you, just pretend that you are starring in the cinematic classic “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”

4. Search for new friends
To fill the void in your life that you have created, you should promptly begin the search for new friends. The easiest way to do this is to set up a table in the College Center and ask members of the general public to submit friendship applications. Request that they provide you with their personal statement, two to three letters of recommendation and their most recent transcript. You are free to choose as many friends as you desire, but I encourage you to limit the number of accepted applicants so that you gain a reputation for being an “elite” and “prestigious” institution.

5. Transfer schools
If the steps mentioned above fail to drastically improve your life, the only option that remains is to transfer schools. One of the most common complaints heard across campus is the inability to get out of the “Vassar bubble.” Well, here is your chance to finally escape! Hopefully you will find the companionship you are searching for at your new school, but if things don’t work out feel free to repeat steps one through five as many times as necessary. Happy spring cleaning!

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