J.K. Growling: reimagining Harry Potter with Deece food

I am a huge Potterhead. YUGE. Not a fan of Trump though, don’t worry. I also love food. One sleepless night, I was lying in bed rather hungry, and my brain was doing this thing where it refuses to quiet down and starts imagining everything from parallel universes to alien conspiracy theories. I started thinking about the Harry Potter series, and food (Deece food for some weird reason), and wondered what the books would’ve been like if J.K. Rowling had been very hungry for Deece food when she wrote them. Behold–a peak into what I was imagining instead of trying to get some REM sleep.

1. Harry Potter and the PhillySteak Sandwich:

Dumblemore acquires a rare magical PhillySteak sandwich from a 600-year-old connoisseur, and hides it in a room that can be accessed by the third floor corridor, if you manage to surpass all the deadly obstacles that come first. Being a greedy man (DumbleMore), he proclaims that the third floor corridor is out of bounds, but the tempting smell attracts brave hungry students like Harry and his friends. They think that professor Severus Steak is trying to steal the sandwich for himself, so they try to save it (and maybe they’ll steal a bite later).

Turns out ravenous lord Veganmort (no offense to vegans) was craving meat, and he got professor Quinoa to try and steal the rare sandwich for him. Harry saves the day of course, but passes out when he gets greedy and tries to steal a bite from this sandwich. Dumblemore realizes that greed is bad, and returns the sandwich to the very hungry 600 year old man (who then destroys it because he’s a bit cray-cray).

2. Harry Potter and the Chowder of Clam:

This time, there’s a bowl of very tempting clam chowder hidden in the castle, and everyone has been forbidden to go near it (greedy old Dumblemore’s orders). However, the tempting smell of the chowder gets around the castle through pipes, and the fact that you can smell it but not eat it is “petrifying,” especially for muggle-borns. Lord Veganmort influences Ginny Weasley (through a magical diary) to steal the Clam Chowder for him, but Harry saves the day yet again, and destroys both the diary (to get rid of pesky Lord Veganmort for now) and the chowder (to end the petrifying temptation).

3. Harry Potter and the Pizza of ApplePie:

This one is slightly different. Yeah yeah, WhySoSirius Black comes and goes, Harry saves the day, dementors kill the mood etc. But this one focuses on why Hermione never seems to get hungry. She is always in class (sometimes multiple ones at the same time), is always engrossed in homework, and is rarely seen eating with her friends at the Great Hall. The secret to her non-existent appetite is that Professor McDonalds (I’m sorry I had to do it) gave her a magical pizza at the start of the year, that never runs out, and can fill your stomach in one bite. Hence, Hermione doesn’t have to waste time eating, but all she eats is pizza all year. And so she gets sick of it.

4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Hot Chocolate:

There is a contest at Hogwarts, where champions from different schools compete for a goblet of nice, warm hot chocolate. Meanwhile Hermione tries going out with Viktor Crumb (one of the champions) but gets sick of him soon because his name is too close to “crust” and she’s sick and tired of pizza from last year. Harry and Cedric make it to the hot chocolate (at the end of a deadly maze), but it turns out that ravenous Lord Veganmort turned the goblet into a portkey, so that when someone touched it, it would get teleported to him (along with whoever touched it). He kills Cedric (he’s a very mean guy as he’s been vegan for too long, and craves meat) and uses the hot chocolate to get fully rejuvenated, but Harry manages to escape getting killed.

5. Harry Potter and the Order of “Eggs your way”:

Nobody believes Harry that Lord Veganmort is back and is ravenous, except for this brave, hungry group of people that will cook “eggs your way,” of which Dumblemore is a part. Veganmort is trying to access a prophecy to understand how to curtail his enormous appetite, but the way to do that is evil. Hence, this group of chefs tries to distract him at the Ministry of Magic, to prevent him from getting the prophecy, by offering to cook eggs his way. WhySoSirius Black gets killed in the process (told you Veganmort is a mean guy).

6. Harry Potter and the Half-salted Pasta:

Harry finds a bowl of magical, never ending (but rather bland) pasta that helps him succeed at his Defense against the Dark Arts class. He is also drunk in love with Gin-ny (get it?) and Dumblemore gets killed for being greedy and interfering with Lord Veganmort’s secret stash of deathly hamburgers.

8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hamburgers:

There are seven deathly hamburgers that keep Lord Veganmort alive. Everyone is sick and tired of him and his antics to fill his growling stomach. He refuses to quit being vegan (he clearly doesn’t like it), craves meat (which he secretly eats sometimes) and his frustration makes him a mean guy. Harry and his friends decide to end the menace.

They go on a quest to find and destroy his secret stash of deathly hamburgers, so that he’d die and stop being a menace to society (they seem meaner now). They succeed in doing that–Lord Veganmort dies. Unfortunately, many other people also get killed, including professor Severus Steak. But everything ends well as Ron and Hermione end up together (Aww. Romione is my OTP–don’t you dare challenge their love) and Harry lives as an alcoholic–drunk in love with Ginny for the rest of his life. All was well. No one was hungry.

In closing I’d like to say that I know my imagination is wild. Also no offense to anyone who is vegan. Lord Veganmort is weak willed, but you guys are hella awesome if you can survive with such limited eating options! I couldn’t do it in a million years. I love meat way too much. Now excuse me as I head to the Deece for an order of eggs my way (thats the best thing at the Deece, I swear).

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