Yesen(ed)ia’s Declassified Finals Week Survival Guide

I have a problem. This problem has been haunting me for several weeks now, and I have decided that it is finally time to acknowledge it. Everytime I glance at my calendar, my eyes dart ahead to the impending doom that is collectively known as “finals” that is scheduled to occur in May. This is followed by me profusely sweating, pacing around my dorm, and furrowing my brow while I halfheartedly assure myself that “it’s okay, I still have time”.

I like to think that I have my life together most of the time, but whenever I think about all the lengthy essays and hours of studying I will have to endure in the near future, I envision my life going up in flames. After several intense discussions with some of my fellow classmates, I have come to the conclusion that the feeling is universal. In order to preserve my sanity in these trying times, I have devised some strategies that are 100 percent proven to alleviate stress.

1. Get high

I have heard that many people on this campus are fond of “getting high”. I can only assume that they mean that they like to put themselves in situations where they are physically elevated from the ground. Recent scientific studies have proven that nothing is more liberating than shouting from the rooftops, so you should head on over to the roof of your favorite academic building and release all the pent up stress by opening your mouth and allowing the deep guttural sounds from within to tumble out of your mouth. (*Please note that The Miscellany News will not be held responsible for any injuries that may result.)

2. Become one with nature

This warm weather tends to draw us outdoors where we have many opportunities to observe the local wildlife in action. Have you ever noticed that the geese, womp-womps, and rodents that call Vassar their home always look carefree and majestic as they gallivant around campus? You should take a page from their book by transcending your corporeal form and imitating these magnificent beasts. Perhaps by emulating them, you will be able to channel some of their serenity and wisdom.

3. Experiment with scrapbooking

According to all the advice I’ve ever been given, college is all about trying new things. You should experiment with the underrated art form that is scrapbooking. Your friends and family may never look at you the same after you take up this habit, but the thrill that accompanies this activity makes it worth it. In addition to relieving stress, you can also uses scrapbooks as bribes to get your professors to substantially raise your grade. They will appreciate all the time and effort you put into creating the scrapbook and wish that you had applied yourself that hard in class.

4. Embark on an epic journey

Sometimes the best way to get rid of your stress is to simply vanish without a trace. For one day, you should drop all of your responsibilities and obligations and take a journey of epic proportions. Your destination does not really matter, because as Miley Cyrus once said, it “ain’t about how fast you get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb”. Make your way to the Poughkeepsie train station and have a stranger randomly pick out your destination for best results. While on the train, you can gaze forlornly out the window and pretend that you are the star of a dramatic music video, which has been been shown to effectively combat symptoms of stress and could potentially even land you a career in the music industry!

5. Buzzfeed quizzes

As the old adage says: “Friends come and go, but Buzzfeed is forever”. In addition to giving you practice with test-taking strategies, you can always count on Buzzfeed quizzes to reveal some deep and vital information about yourself that you would have never known otherwise. Where else would you be able to learn which Poptart flavor you are based on your Zodiac sign? Or receive an oddly specific compliment based on your choice of German Shepherd pictures? I recommend taking at least three quizzes a day to give you the inner peace you desperately need to get through this finals season.

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