Five sure-fire ways to land yourself a significant other

So it’s happened.―Your greatest fears have been realized. Weeks of college have come and gone, and you still haven’t found that special someone to share your mozz sticks with. You crave that glorious moment when you change your Facebook status to “in a relationship,” yearn for the chance to have an adorable Instagram picture of the two of you kissing to make all of your single friends implode with envy. Trust me, I get it. I’ve been there. Lucky for you, I’m here to help. Here are five bona fide, tried-and-true, 99.99 percent effective strategies that are guaranteed to get you a significant other.

1: “Channel Trelawney”

Step one: Acquire a crystal ball and master the art of divination. Step two: With your crystal ball in tow, position yourself somewhere that your superstitious target will likely stumble upon you. Step three: Convince them to let you read their fortune. Step four: While reading their fortune, prophesy unforetold horror and bloodshed. (Pause for dramatic effect.) Step four: Tell your target that the only way for them to avoid this terrible fate is to find a lovely individual who can read fortunes and takes advice from newspaper humor columns. Clarify that you’re speaking about yourself if they don’t quite get it.

2: “Send in the Fam”

Step one: Find an older, particularly extroverted, relative and shmooze; don’t forget to accept any food that is offered to you. Step two: Casually mention that there is a special event at your school during which all the students can bring their favorite relative, and that you’d love for them to accompany you. Step three: At this aforementioned event—you may need to plan one if it’s not currently in the works—position your relative next to the target. Step four: Allow your relative to speak at lengths about how awkward you were as a youth and list every single thing you have ever accomplished, thus proving to the target what an endearing, family-oriented catch you are.

3: “The Big Sick”

Step one: Contract a severe medical illness that will require a trip to the emergency room. Step two: Call the target, explain your predicament, and tell them that you need someone to stay with you in the hospital. Step three: When they arrive, have the doctor elaborate on the severity of your condition, and tell the target that the signature of a spouse or significant other is needed immediately in order to provide you with life-saving treatment. Step four: Thank your new significant other for legally verifying your relationship status before you are wheeled off to surgery.

4: “Conditioning? Classic”

Step one: Make a playlist of hyper-romantic music (I recommend Tchaikovsky’s “Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet” and Luis Fonsi’s “Despacito,” just to cover all your bases). Step two: Play the music loudly enough that the target will hear it before they see you. Step three: Remain at a distance until the music has visibly worked its magic and the target is, at a bare minimum, bopping along. Step four: Appear, and engage with the target in a charming and witty dialogue. Step five: Repeat this process until the target comes to associate you with the romantic vibes of the music and eventually asks you out.

5: “Smacking Down”

Step one: Train extensively in the art of 16th-century Italian fencing. Leave a minimum of six months in order to do this properly. Step two: Hire a burly henchman and secretly instruct them to slander the target in a highly public area. Step three: Once the henchman has carried out your instructions, declare that the henchman has impugned the target’s honor and challenge the henchman to a duel. Step four: Vanquish your opponent with your impeccable swordsmanship skills. For added dramatic effect, allow them to nick you so as to elicit the target’s sympathy (any scars will also add to your debonaire appeal). Step five: Allow the target to tend to your wounds and, after thanking you, pledge their heart to you forever.

I know these look daunting, but trust me when I say that these over-the-top, time consuming and highly invasive maneuvers are your best chance at finding the love of your life. If nothing else, they’ll keep you preoccupied enough that you’ll be able to ignore the little voice telling you that, yes, it is a good idea to buy another cat. Happy wooing!

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