Horoscopes– 2/28


It’s probably been a while since you’ve had a date. No need to feel sad. Other people are the worst! So instead, pamper yourself with naps and the “Men of Hawaii” calendar because you deserve it, boo! If you’re still feeling lonely you can come cuddle with me @hannahgaven.


So your Tinder date didn’t go so well? What a surprise! Maybe you can try broadening your search radius and age range. For example, Matt Damon is 47 years old, but he’s still really hot. However, he has a wife, so instead I would go for Jonah Hill’s mom (who is on Tinder).


You will have luck with pick-up lines this week. I suggest using, “I’m sorry you lost your VCard, but you can take mine,” “Wanna come to shipping and receiving with me? I have a huge package” or “Did I see you in the Loeb last night? Because you’re a masterpiece!”


Cancer, you may have had your heart broken and given up on love. However, all hope is not lost! You should sign up for “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.” While others might not be there for the right reasons, your reasoning is pure: You want to date 25 people at once.


The Romans believed that love is sweet. However, too much sweetness, like too much ice cream, can be unhealthy. Remember, you need to be equals in a relationship, unless this is some sort of “Fifty Shades of Grey” thing. In that case, I suggest you get far, far away, even if he is hot and rich. 


Love will come when it’s least expected! So pay attention in restrooms, as you may just walk in on the person of your dreams. Instead of feeling embarrassed, strike up a conversation. Just be sure to wash your hands before you try and hold theirs!


Just because none of your relationships have ever worked out doesn’t mean that you should give up on love. I suggest you text all of your exes to see what you did wrong. Hopefully you’ll change yourself entirely to please other people, and then maybe someone will want you.


Do you like lesbian musicals? Of course you do! So use the last days of your free student Amazon Prime account to watch “Liberty’s Secret” with your S.O. And if you don’t like lesbian musicals, then you and I are probably not meant to be.


Your crush will never love you back. Isn’t that crushing? Instead, make a kissing bet with your roommate. If things work out, you won’t need to worry about being sexiled from your room. Also, when you want to sleep, you won’t have to make the walk of shame back to your dorm room.


It’s a little sad that you probably spend all your nights Netflix-and-chilling alone. Maybe you will be able to find another single who watched “Emo the Musical” four times last night. I recommend inviting them over to Netflix and chill with you tonight.


You know that nerd-girl trope, where she becomes instantly hotter when she takes off her glasses? That could be you! So just take off your pesky glasses, and I guarantee you that you’ll find love! Probably because you won’t be able to see and will end up physically running into your soulmate!


The freezing weather may cause your hands to go numb. One way to remedy this is to grab your crush’s hand and never let go. Valentine’s Day has passed, so there is no pressure for a romantic date. Instead, you can just follow them wherever they go. I guarantee this will not make you creepy and weird.

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